This little bit

This pregnancy has hit me hard! I don't know if it's because I am older, have three other children, work or what but I am completely exhausted. That is the one positive to Bryan's shift change, I don't feel guilty for heading to bed as soon as my oldest child turns in for the night. I could nap every single day if my other kids allowed it. Nausea! I stay so sick feeling. Even with Zofran I have a constant I am about to spew feeling.  I've heard old wives tales that being so miserable is a good sign. I sure hope so because being worn out and pukey feeling I am ill as a hornet most of the time. Add a toddler and preteen to the mix and my eye starts twitching before I realize it. I am currently recuperating from a kidney infection to boot. All this has been trying on my relationship. I will say that even though Bryan can be selfish at times and inconsiderate, once I point it out and advise him how to get a better response out of me he pays attention. I really hope the selfish thing passes. He's used to being only him, so it's been an uphill battle about putting my kids before himself. Example: Bronson wakes up crying. Bryan: I'll get him up! Me: Great! Thanks baby. Bryan then gets dressed, goes outside to smoke, comes in, gets a drink then wonders why I am incredibly pissed off that Bronson is still in him crib screaming. I've had to train him on things like that. It's sometimes difficult to be patient about it. I am sure hormones play a big role in my lack of patience too. He now knows it's much calmer for him to go ahead and get Bronson, change his diaper, give him a cup of juice, then go smoke and do what ever it is he wants to do. I think guys in general don't feel the same sense of urgency that moms do when it comes to their young. My babies don't wait needlessly. I am a firm believer that meeting needs builds trust! I am trying to get Bryan trained before the new baby gets here though. He's doing well I think. All this stuff has me feeling blah. We have to buy a bigger house, and bigger car, all new baby stuff, a new bed for Mylie and Bronson, the list goes on.  It's overwhelming.  All because of this tiny little bit growing inside my womb.

Overcome

My emotions are running on high lately, which I am sure is hormone related. I can't help but sit and think how amazingly blessed I am. This is the very first pregnancy that I didn't have to really work at achieving. This is the first one that I didn't have to take medicines, check my cervix and keep a chart on. It makes me believe that my ovulation issues were completely stress related. It is no secret that my ex and I had a difficult relationship at best. All three of my children I begged God for. In fact, after I had Talise I tried for five years to get pregnant. It wasn't until after I joined a church, had others praying for me as well and my ex and I both became baptized that I did conceive again. It still took six cycles of Clomid to do it though. Bronson was a bit easier. It only took 4 months total of meds to achieve pregnancy with him. All of those precious babies were made out of love for them. Longing for another child, not feeling whole, knowing my family wasn't complete is how they came about. I love them all immensely and am SO very grateful that God gave me the children he did, even when I am at my wits end. This baby though, this baby surprised me. This baby required no effort. This baby, I feel, was conceived out of Bryan's and my love for each other. That is almost more than I can handle. I break out into tears almost daily thinking about it. I am so grateful to be able to experience this. I pray that all women that want a child get to as well.

*bangs head on wall*

Why on earth would any adult that cares about another adult choose to fuss at a three year old at the expenses of adult loving? I do not understand and am pissed off about it!