Baby Quest and Beyond

This little bit

2012-02-11T12:11:00.000-06:00

This pregnancy has hit me hard! I don't know if it's because I am older, have three other children, work or what but I am completely exhausted. That is the one positive to Bryan's shift change, I don't feel guilty for heading to bed as soon as my oldest child turns in for the night. I could nap every single day if my other kids allowed it. Nausea! I stay so sick feeling. Even with Zofran I have a constant I am about to spew feeling. I've heard old wives tales that being so miserable is a good sign. I sure hope so because being worn out and pukey feeling I am ill as a hornet most of the time. Add a toddler and preteen to the mix and my eye starts twitching before I realize it. I am currently recuperating from a kidney infection to boot. All this has been trying on my relationship. I will say that even though Bryan can be selfish at times and inconsiderate, once I point it out and advise him how to get a better response out of me he pays attention. I really hope the selfish thing passes. He's used to being only him, so it's been an uphill battle about putting my kids before himself. Example: Bronson wakes up crying. Bryan: I'll get him up! Me: Great! Thanks baby. Bryan then gets dressed, goes outside to smoke, comes in, gets a drink then wonders why I am incredibly pissed off that Bronson is still in him crib screaming. I've had to train him on things like that. It's sometimes difficult to be patient about it. I am sure hormones play a big role in my lack of patience too. He now knows it's much calmer for him to go ahead and get Bronson, change his diaper, give him a cup of juice, then go smoke and do what ever it is he wants to do. I think guys in general don't feel the same sense of urgency that moms do when it comes to their young. My babies don't wait needlessly. I am a firm believer that meeting needs builds trust! I am trying to get Bryan trained before the new baby gets here though. He's doing well I think. All this stuff has me feeling blah. We have to buy a bigger house, and bigger car, all new baby stuff, a new bed for Mylie and Bronson, the list goes on. It's overwhelming. All because of this tiny little bit growing inside my womb.

Overcome

2012-01-18T13:56:00.000-06:00

My emotions are running on high lately, which I am sure is hormone related. I can't help but sit and think how amazingly blessed I am. This is the very first pregnancy that I didn't have to really work at achieving. This is the first one that I didn't have to take medicines, check my cervix and keep a chart on. It makes me believe that my ovulation issues were completely stress related. It is no secret that my ex and I had a difficult relationship at best. All three of my children I begged God for. In fact, after I had Talise I tried for five years to get pregnant. It wasn't until after I joined a church, had others praying for me as well and my ex and I both became baptized that I did conceive again. It still took six cycles of Clomid to do it though. Bronson was a bit easier. It only took 4 months total of meds to achieve pregnancy with him. All of those precious babies were made out of love for them. Longing for another child, not feeling whole, knowing my family wasn't complete is how they came about. I love them all immensely and am SO very grateful that God gave me the children he did, even when I am at my wits end. This baby though, this baby surprised me. This baby required no effort. This baby, I feel, was conceived out of Bryan's and my love for each other. That is almost more than I can handle. I break out into tears almost daily thinking about it. I am so grateful to be able to experience this. I pray that all women that want a child get to as well.

bangs head on wall

2012-01-03T17:18:00.002-06:00

Why on earth would any adult that cares about another adult choose to fuss at a three year old at the expenses of adult loving? I do not understand and am pissed off about it!

Happy Holidays, err...

2011-12-28T18:22:00.001-06:00

I was excited, yet concerned a bit about celebrating with my loves family. His parents are great, but his sister and I aren't exactly the best of friends as my close friends well know. We had a blow out before I moved in and things have been at an uncomfortable stand still since. My children adore his parents. Thankfully, his sister is nice to them when I am not around according to my oldest. I was nervous though as his father has mentioned her saying she wasn't sure she could control her temper. I think she did well. Did we speak? Nope! Was it uncomfortable for me? Nope! Everyone else was so nice and there was so much going on all went well. Except when Bronson wanted to open a present early. His mom (aka Nanny) wanted to pass out all the gifts then everyone open at the same time. That is completely understandable. Well, my little fella is only 18 months old. He has zero patience. I was not going to let him because Bryan's youngest nephew is only 2. I understand. Well Bryan's mom mentioned letting Bronson go ahead (again, I would not have said OK) and his sister got all crazy eyed as she reminded her mom that she has two young kids too. It's not fair. She is right. It wouldn't have been fair even though her oldest IS older than Mylie. His mom was trying to prevent a meltdown is all. I say since that was it, we had an amazing holiday. Actually the kids had presents to open for four days! FOUR! They got so much stuff it was mind blowing. Bronson is now a master un-wrapper and Mylie really thought that on Tuesday after Christmas she should get more. She was quite bummed when I told her the good times were over until her birthday, in March. She doesn't have long to wait. She didn't want to hear it! I have to say, this was the best adult holiday season I have experienced. I truly love everyone getting together, telling stories of the past, and eating and laughing. I am SO grateful my little ones got to experience it. I can honestly say now that I do hope that his sister and I are able to mend things before Bryan and I get married or have kids. I hate that his parents are so hurt by this. I understand why though. I also hate that they seem to want desperately to fix it, yet can't. I am glad the holidays are, for the most part over, and look forward to more with my love, and his family.

Don't Know What's Come Over Me

2011-12-06T17:33:00.000-06:00

Maybe it's the holidays. The beautiful lights and Christmas music always lifts my mood. I love the sights and smells of Christmas. Maybe it's the peace of a boring relationship, and by boring I mean no picking and fighting. Maybe it's just falling more in love. I am not sure what it is but it's strong and almost overwhelming. I could stare at that man all day. I miss him like mad when either he or I am at work. I cannot keep my hands off of him. I love snuggling and breathing him in. I just cannot get enough of him. I am so completely happy it's unreal. Sometimes I sit and just cannot believe I am with this man. I was so miserable for so long and really thought, but prayed not, that I always would be. I remember sitting there thinking about being old and completely miserable and how sad that would make me. I almost feel undeserving. He is so kind and loving. His family is great. He is a father to my kids, much more so than their sperm donor. I know I sing his praises all the time, but I just adore him. What's even better, he loves the attention. I used to get pushed away all the time, so I worry often that I am bugging him. He always reassures me that he enjoys the attention. I've been so gushy with love that he asked me if I was pregnant! He assumed I must be full of hormones. Not the case just yet. Regardless of if it's the holidays or I"m just full of love,I'll take it!

The Holidays

2011-11-13T18:10:00.000-06:00

I am getting so stoked about the upcoming holidays. Although I have to work Thanksgiving, my kids will finally get to experience a big family Thanksgiving dinner with Bryan and his sweet family. I LOVED Thanksgiving growing up. My mom was one of six, so between my aunts, uncles, grand parents and cousins it was so much food and so much fun. I want my babies to have memories like that. I've almost completed my kids Christmas shopping. I've got to get a couple more gifts. I'm excited that Bryan loves Christmas too, so he's willing to hang out side lights and really decorate. I would really like to take the kids to Stone Mountain for their Santa village and light show. I feel so hopeful and happy. It is really nice. Had you told me this time last year that I'd feel this way today I'd have never believed you. It is amazing how God gets you on your path.

Haunted

2011-10-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

I felt such relief when my divorce was finalized. No longer did I have to face him everyday. No longer did I have to hear his voice or take his crap. Well, boy was I mistaken. When we were married I paid his bills from our joint account. Most married couples do that any ways, right? Well especially when only one of the two works. I have since taken him off that account and use it only for bills. Bryan logged on to transfer this months bill money over to pay them and he calls me to let me know that the account is over drawn. I JUST had $800.00 deposited into that account the day before. I had not paid but one small bill. I had him read me the recent transactions. $506.82 for a bill that was Fernando's. My name was never even on the account. I have been going around and around between my bank and the company he owed since Friday. Thankfully, our divorce decree includes a statement regarding me not being responsible for his debts because without that court order I could have been held liable because I had paid the company before using my debit card. I had to cancel my current card and order a new one. I had to file a dispute with both the bank and the company and now I wait. Meanwhile, Talise told her father that Bryan and I are engaged. He didn't handle it well. He was supposed to keep the kids this weekend. He called me five minutes before he was due to meet me and tells me he's not doing me any favors. He will not get his kids. Well when I crank the car back up Talise asks me where we are going and I tell her home. She starts freaking out, Mylie starts screaming and crying. I explained that he said he can't get them. She wanted to call, so I let her. He tells her he is on his way and asks to speak to me. Immediately he starts name calling and yelling at me. I will never change, I am fucking crazy, why would I tell her that? Well...you did say you weren't going to get them. His response is you damn right I'm not. OK, fine, what ever. I am SO over this. My kids deserve better and I am doing him a favor by letting him see them. He was given NO visitation at all. He's not even supposed to be in the car alone with them. I am so torn. I know they love him, well, at least the girls do. I know they want to see him. I don't feel it's fair for him to keep hurting them trying to hurt me. I cannot wrap my brain around his thought process. If I didn't get to see my kids every day I'd be counting the days until I could. They drive me nuts, usually with an hour or two of waking but I absolutely cannot imagine not seeing them, holding and kissing them every single day. I call home a dozen times at least every weekend when I'm working to see how they are and speak to them. How can he go from staying home everyday with them to seeing them once a month and not be bothered by that? So, I've decided to follow my divorce decree and stop visitations. I feel that it is in their best interest. The little ones will end up viewing Bryan as their father anyways. Talise has already expressed her dislike for her father's behaviors. She's bummed about it, but seems to understand. I feel haunted by my choice though. I feel like I am hurting them either way. I don't want to be the bad guy for trying to protect them. Yet, I don't want to continue to watch them cry because of him failing them either. All of this completely sucks.

The proposal

2011-10-13T14:15:00.002-05:00

My ring is finally ready! I have longer to see it. I wore a $40.00 piece of glass on my finger for 14 years. The idea of a real diamond, that you can really see is something I never thought I'd have. I've also always wanted a real proposal. Nothing over the top, just heartfelt. Well, as much as I adore Bryan, he is very serious and dry about things. Out of worry of doing it wrong, he actually asked me how I wanted him to do it! I just said to please not ask. Well, I should have answered because we were sitting on the sofa and he looks at me and just asks, the same way he'd ask what's for dinner or what are we watching! I was SO upset! I am an emotional person anyway, and I've expressed how important the proposal is to me and that's all he's got? I cried. Cannot help it. Well, later that night after the kids were in the bed we were talking about it. I of course was crying again and he was telling me how much I mean to him, how much my kids mean to him and before I knew it he was kneeling beside me. He told me how much he loves me and my kids and how he wants us to always be with him. Then he asked me. I looked at the box because I haven't seen the finished product, just the designers image. He tells me he isn't opening the box until I give him an answer. I told him he's not getting an answer until he opens the box! (stubborn I know) When he opened it I completely lost it. I don't even remember if he put it on my finger or me. I don't remember if I even said yes. It is SO beautiful. So much better than I thought it would be. If it equates how much he loves me then I am one extremely blessed woman. I was crying so hard he kept asking me if I was OK. It took a good five minutes or more before I could even respond. I am crying now trying to type it out. Seeing my gorgeous ring makes me feel loved and worthy. I truly felt that I wouldn't ever be with someone decent. I don't know why, but I guess after years of hearing how everything about you is wrong when someone tries to show you how right you are for them it is so overwhelming. Whats so silly is, we already had decided we are going to get married. It's not like it was a surprise, but man. I have never had such an extreme response to something like that. The only other times I've felt overcome like that are when I had my babies and when my grandmother and aunt died. I always thought it was a put on when women got all emotional and cried while saying yes. I was mistaken! I was a big blubbering mess! I am so completely, utterly happy. Completely head over heals in love with this man. Now we just have to set a date!

Exhausted and elated

2011-09-30T11:33:00.001-05:00

I swear, nothing prepares you for the overwhelming exhaustion that comes with being a single parent. Heck a parent at all really. Even though they are mine, when Bryan comes home things calm down so much. I start counting down around 3:00 p.m. for him to be home at 6:00! Today he has overtime. He usually goes in early most mornings. Today and tomorrow he has mandatory overtime until later this evening. I'm telling ya, at this rate me and ol' Jose Cuervo are gonna be thick as theives by the time my man gets home! Just the constant motion of two little ones is enough to make my eye twitch, adding the fighting, screaming and crying and O.M.G! Then when Talise gets home from school Mylie bugs the tar outta her to go outside to play. Talise usually wants to relax a bit first so then the bickering and picking begins. Talise is very helpful with her brother though. I love my babies but I cannot wait for Mylie to start school, only 11 months and 2 days, but who's counting. Now to my elated part. My ring should be done by early next week. I am SO stoked about it. For fourteen years I wore a cubic zirconia (should've been my first clue) because that was all he could afford. We married at the court house and honeymooned in a cabin in Pigeon Fordge where the argueing began. I am very grateful and excited about the ring Bryan is having made for me. It's a custom design that we came up with together, so no one else will have my ring. How cool is that? Well unless they see the designers picture on his website and requests it.

Am I wrong

2011-09-27T18:53:00.000-05:00

OK. Bryan feels like because I choose my ring that he shouldn't have to ask me to marry him. Am I mistaken? Just because I know what I want and am not afraid to go after it does that mean that he doesn't have to ask? Especially since he asked the other woman? Am I being irrational? Please let me know. I just don't want to be disappointed twice. Does that make me selfish?

Assumptions

2011-09-26T19:25:00.000-05:00

Assumptions suck. They set you up for disaster, yet everyone does it. I do it and often regret it. No one knows what someone else is thinking regardless of how well we may think we know them, yet we assume based on prior behaviors. So not OK! People who you think have your best interests at heart can screw you in a heart beat without a second thought. And people that you think aren't worthy of your trust may bail you out or keep your dirty secret to the grave so who can you trust? Who can you love? Why assume? Human nature, I guess. I hate being wrong.

Insecurities Suck!

2011-09-21T22:28:00.001-05:00

How stupid is this? My man prefers a bigger girl, not obese but pretty close. He told me this BEFORE I saw any pictures of his exes. I thought cool, I'm not slender by any means so we are cool. Then, I keep finding pictures of girls he dated. O.M.G! Then one that got away...huge! I'm talking pre-baby roll after roll. My entire cranium could fit in one of her boobs! SERIOUSLY! I SHOULD feel like Hell Yeah! I am fricking awesome compared to these girls. So completely NOT the case! Seeing the three different girls that I saw, makes me want to starve myself! I've been a bigger girl, hell I was a total fat ass! I know some people are into that but I cannot wrap my brain around it. I was disgusted by myself then. I am a total emotional eater and was completely miserable then. I refuse to get big again. Right now, I could stand to lose at least 25 lbs. I cannot stand to be seen naked while standing. Silly huh? Whats the difference in standing a laying? When you're lying down everything spreads out evenly. My guy tells me how pretty, sexy, beautiful I am daily. I should be pleased but honestly I feel like men will say just about anything to get a piece. What's even more fucked up? I am in tune to guys. I can tell when they are into me. I see them stare and pay attention to their word choices. Most men are unbelievably transparent. I've had men at work, patients, be puking then say how embarrassed they are and how lucky to have such a beautiful nurse! I'm not a nurse! Whatever! No way could I be. Nurses bust their tails and do some disgusting stuff! Not enough money in the world for some of the tasks and patients they are subjected too, but I digress. I don't understand insecurities. Why is it that regardless of the affirmations we receive, or logic and reasoning they over rule? It just isn't right! I am a guilty mom, always questioning myself. I worry non-stop about my job and when a doctor, nurse, tech, whatever asks me if I "see anything" even if I do I am SO reluctant to say anything out of insecurities. Relationships? I over compensate then feel like a total douche! Of course someone is going to think it is OK to wake me up at 6 in the morning to make a lunch that they were too lazy to make for them selves if I keep putting out there that I am less than you! So why? I know that I am not a stupid woman, so again, why? Fricking insecurities, they suck ass!

My birthday

2011-09-17T11:03:00.000-05:00

I had the best birthday I have ever had as an adult. It started Thursday. Talise wanted to go to WalMart to buy me something since she hasn't ever been able to buy me a gift before. In the past she always gave me something of hers that she really liked. She was really torn because she only had so much money and wanted to buy artificial nails for herself also. When I told her I'd buy the nails she went back and bought me something else! So she gave me two pairs of earrings. Obviously the little stinker doesn't hate me as much as she say she does. Then, that evening, Bryan's mom came over and brought Talise's and my gifts and also something for Mylie and Bronson so they wouldn't feel left out. That was so touching! Our gifts were beautiful. Then on my actual birthday Bryan arranged for my mother to come down and watch my kids so we could spend the day together. She got there early and brought me gifts! He took me to breakfast, then to look at engagement rings! He decided to have one custom made. I am SO stoked! After that he took me shopping! Then we went to buy Talise's gift from him. We came home for a bit until it was time to drop the kids off with their father. Once we dropped them off he took me out to dinner. We had so much fun! The food was amazing, the drinks were good and we were in just the best mood. He told the bartender it was my birthday so they gave me a free shot of Patron! As I was enjoying that and talking to him I all of a sudden felt a weight on my head. A fricking sombrero! I took that thing off as fast as they put it on! Hello head lice! They sang to me, brought me out Sopapilla and took our picture together. They gave me a copy of the picture in a little paper frame that said Happy Birthday. The picture turned out really good. It was an awesome day.

Lack of Kahuna's vs Really big Kahuna's

2011-08-31T16:46:00.001-05:00

So, of course my ex is behind on his payments. He is avoiding my calls and texts, yet will text me like a mad man when he wants to talk to one of the girls. So I leave him a voice mail since he isn't man enough to handle his responsibilities. His big bad brother calls me and starts rambling off a bunch of stuff that doesn't concern me. Fernando keeps walking off the job. He's out in the sun working with "the Mexicans" all day, he runs his mouth. Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH! I couldn't care less. Praise God none of that is my concern any longer. So now what? Well BBB tells me HE is going to pay my ex's child support because my ex is so worried about paying it. OK, and? He says he'll catch up this month then pay a month at a time. Perfect! That is what I had wanted from the beginning. Then BBB has the nerve to tell me that I will give him my address and his wife can mail me a check once a month. Nope! Not giving out my address. BBB tries to intimidate me! He's not stupid like his brother. It is illegal to keep my children's address from a man that pays child support. WRONG! Read my ex's copy of the divorce papers. I have FULL custody and am waived of the law that states I have to let him know where I live. I don't even have to give him my phone number. Heck, I don't have to let him see his kids at all. he has NO visitation rights. I let him see them because they love him and until they realize what a sorry loser he is then they should be able to spend time with him, supervised. BBB said he was having his wife call my ex's attorney then. Well while you're at it big boy, the child support reduction still hasn't been signed by the judge so technically he owes the original amount. Go make your calls then tell me whether I should file for non payment or where you'd like to meet me to pick up the payment. BBB is used to having his tail kissed and being the oldest sibling everyone cowers, well guess what? Not this one! Sorry BBB, you have NO say in this matter so suck it!

2011-08-28T06:44:00.000-05:00

Things are still going amazingly well at home. Talise already has a new best friend and made friends with the girl next door. Bryan's best friend has a daughter Mylie's age. They came over yesterday and her and Mylie hit it off well. Both girls had their own playmates yesterday. I am a bit jealous that I was working and unable to see it. Something else that I wish I could have seen, Bronson climbed on Bryan's lap and they watch Little League baseball together. When he told me about it I almost started crying. Bronson would not have gotten that from his sperm donor, so that alone makes me weepy. Also, that means that they are bonding which has worried me from the start seeing as how Bronson cannot talk or be reasoned with yet. Just envisioning my two favorite guys chilling out together makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Things are adjusting well. I continue to fall harder each day and truly feel its a mutual connection. Not to say everything is peachy and perfect, we are human and a normal couple. Still smoothing out kinks, especially since he's never had kids. He is funny about his things being touched or moved. Mylie is used to being in control of her daddy and doing what ever she pleases whether it's her things or not. I completely understand and respect his position, yet if she has just moved his remote or the water hose, something along those lines ~ dude! Shut your pie hole! It's fine! So I am being more diligent about keeping them occupied so they are less interested in his things and also explaining to him that my kids follow me where ever I go, so if you don't want something bothered put it up! That's the extent of our issues. Well besides normal relationship baggage and insecurities. Really, it's not even worth mentioning. His does SO much right and makes me so incredibly happy that mundane quirks can be overlooked. I cannot remember the last time I felt this way. Not just in love but to know that I am loved as well. To not be picked apart, ridiculed, insulted and taken advantaged of. He does none of those yet still has to answer for them. Hopefully I can let go of all the miserable crap from my marriage and move forward blissfully, trusting our love. For now I will just bask in the glow of my happiness and try to keep any crazy insecurities in check!

A nice surprise

2011-08-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Well Fuckhead continued to show his tail over the weekend. He called me at work wanting to get the kids since he was no longer busy. It was sort of too late seeing as how I was at work. I made him aware of the difference in Georgia laws compared to Alabama in regards to child support enforcement and visitation. Technically he has no visitation rights as it is, but the kids love him and until they realise who he really is I think they should see him. I am no longer tolerating his crap though. I informed him that unless he pays child support then he will not have any contact with his children. He was not at all happy about that. He was even willing to take "the baby" if he could see his girls. REALLY? How absurd! That comment alone is enough to make me want to slap him, although I never would, just envision it with a smile. So Monday afternoon out of the blue I receive a text asking for my address, umm...I don't think so. He wants to send me child support. I told him I'd be happy to meet him somewhere to pick it up. He actually showed and paid me! I was shocked. Bryan was with me so Fuckhead did not show his ass either. It was nice. He has not called still to speak to his kids or asked about seeing them. They have asked multiple times every day. It sucks.

I'm beginning to understand hatred

2011-08-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would. I am one to try to say dislike or unhappy with or anything else besides hate. My ex is pulling me towards the latter. Since he is unemployed again the kids have been wanting to see him on the weekends. Mylie, his self proclaimed favorite, got to spend all day Tuesday with him. Talise wanted a day with him also. She never got one so she asked to be taken to stay with him as soon as she got out of school today. I spoke with him yesterday and went over the plans for today and he agreed. Well, a few minutes before Talise got home I called him with no answer. I called again. This time he asks why I am calling and when I remind him he says no. Then when I say that the kids, Talise especially, was going to be disappointed he said well are you bringing them all? I said yeah. His response was even the baby? Then he says nope. He can't handle the I can keep them. When I tell him that I thought he could at least keep them while he's not working or paying child ssupport so I don't have to pay a sitter. Also, once he gets a job who knows how long he"ll be out without seeing them. He tells me to go fuck myself and hangs up on me. Now, I am left with an extremely hurt 10 year old, a crying, unable to understand 3 year old and my sweet baby boy. I do not understand why he doesn't care about. He's told me before that he feels nothing for him. I cannot wrap my mind around a parent not wanting to see their kids. My babies are difficult, demanding, and sarcastic. They drive me insane most often by 9 a.m. There is still no way in hell that I would NOT want to see them The idea of going a month at a time without hearing their sweet little voices and breathing in their smell is completely unimaginable. My heart aches for them. Especially Bronson. He is such an amazing little guy and for Fuckhead to not even care to get to know him. He's only kept him maybe 4 times. I know Bronson is better off, yet I cannot help but cry. I cry for him and my girls. Talise is able to understand and take it personally. Mylie is still too small to get it. She's just hurt and confused and has cried off and on all day for her father. I cry because how can he just toss them aside like trash? We worked hard to get them here. None of my babies were surprises. We went through fertility treatments to get pregnant. After being blessed three times how can you just walk away? I hope to never understand. I can say, my mind is beginning to really comprehend hate on an entirely new level. I'm not at all happy with that.

Some things never change

2011-08-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

We have officially moved on. It feels great. I wake every morning next to someone I love. Someone that loves me, and makes it known daily. My kids are adjusting well. Mylie is the only one testing the waters any, but that is just Mylie. I keep reminding myself that her strong will should serve her well as an adult. She says she loves Bryan. Talise refuses to admit that she likes him. I think she feels that it would be disloyal to her father to admit that she does. Her face lights up when she speaks of things her and Bryan do together. He seems to be making a significant effort to bond with both Talise and Mylie. Bronson is usually finishing dinner and getting bathed and ready for bed when Bryan gets home. The one time he was alone with the kids for a couple of hours Talise said he was doing baby talk with Bronson and trying to cuddle him, Bronson just wasn't having it. He's my sweet boy. Bronson is super close to me, and even closer to Talise. I sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy because of it. He'll let his sister hold and love on him way more than he will me. Oh well, such is life. Back to moving on, Talise is officially registered at her new school. She starts Monday and we went yesterday to meet her teacher. The teacher seems fun, we shall see. Talise is a bit nervous, but I know she'll do wonderful. She always makes friends quickly. Bryan and I have been trying to merge our things. My goodness is it difficult. I have 14 years and three kids worth of stuff and he is just an emotional guy. He places sentimental value on so much. He has a hard time letting things go. I have a difficult time with clutter, nick knacks and collections. Seeing that stuff makes me feel anxious. I like everything to have a place, neatly. He has stacks of papers all over. I bet their is a stack in every room. I am dying to go through and toss stuff, or just combine it all. He's asked me to please not. I am desperately trying to be patient. I received a call from Fernando the other day to tell me that he lost his job, yet again. The only reason he called was because he doesn't want me to report him for non-payment. He went on to say there are no jobs. I called his bluff and texted him several jobs in his field from Indeed.com. I told him to file for unemployment and as long as he pays something I won't turn him in. That man had the nerve to say that unemployment doesn't pay much! I reminded him that diapers are less expensive than a carton of cigarettes, if he can buy those he can pay for diapers, wipes and pull-ups! He goes on to tell me that he can't pay child support from jail. My response, he also can't enjoy the freedoms of life. Funny how self centered people remain that way even when they have those sweet little faces to provide for. I will never understand that mentality. I count my blessings everyday for meeting Bryan. He is such a different man than my ex. He has faults as we all do, but they are so bearable that they aren't worth mentioning. I am truly enjoying being domestic again. Not that I didn't feed my kids, or clean my house before moving in, but having someone kiss me by and welcome me home from work. Having someone thank me for having dinner waiting on them, getting appreciation feels amazing. My kids expect it, he's never had it since living on his own that I am aware of. I am happy. It feels great.

Myths or Lies?

2011-07-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I love the holidays. I go all out for my kids. Especially Talise, aka Emma. She was my only for 7 long years so my ex and I went to extremes, mostly for Christmas. I've gotten co-workers to write letters from Santa to her. I've dipped the soles of my exes work boots in flour to leave snowy foot prints across my floor from the fireplace to the tree (she was 4) I've sent video messages to her. I've done the I caught Santa photo's. I've even participated in the whole elf crap, not my favorite. The point is I wanted her to be as child like as possible for as long as possible. I wanted the holidays to be magical and exciting. They were. She's always loved Christmas and has believed in Santa as hard as she could...until now. She went to camp. Several girls told her that they caught their parents and that Santa wasn't real, but she could believe what she wanted. She asked. It wasn't the first time either. She's almost eleven, so I broke down and told her the truth. Oh My Goodness! She flipped! Why would I lie to her? Is the Easter Bunny real? What about her elf? So all that was me? Question after question I calmly answered and explained. I told her that when she has children of her own and she sees their little eyes light up with excitement about it all she'll understand. I sure hope she does. She has been going through this everyone hates me stage. I explained that I did those things out of love for her. Otherwise, why would I go through all the trouble? Believe me, some nights were miserable trying to set things up, remember to toss cookies, or crackers for the elf and move his spot. Especially the last two years between working over night and being a single parent it was not easy, but well worth it. Ive warned her not to spoil it for her sister and brother. She better keep her trap shut! She was quite upset about all the lies though. Trying to make her understand that love was behind them was not as convincing for her as I would have liked. Once she found out that she'll still get gifts she was much better about the situation though, that's my girl!

Brats

2011-07-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

I am amazed at just how many brats their are in this world. Not just children and teens, those are to be expected. Adults! Grown people having tantrums to get their way. And grown brats know no economic status. Poor, rich and middle class all have them. It simply blows my mind. I was raised that when you know better you do better. For brats I guess its what ever works for their world to follow as they see fit. I, as an adult, would not behave like a toddler, yelling names, throwing things and threatening to hit. A lot of so called adults do. These people have been catered to for so long I really feel that they know no other way. Its sad really. Or if they do know better and choose to act a fool, well I find that sad also. Something else that I find unbelievable is that the people close to these brats excuse their behavior! It's just how they are! Bullshit! I refuse to tolerate, or deal with behavior like that from an adult. If you don't put your foot down regardless of how hard it is for you to do they will never see how selfish, inappropriate, and disrespectful they are being. I will not stand for it. So to all these brats, stay out of my way!

1st Hair Cut (lots of pictures)

2011-07-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

It's time my sweet little fella starts looking like a boy. He can be in all blue and still people will comment on what a pretty girl he is. So we cut off his curls.

So much to do

2011-06-30T21:22:00.000-05:00

We are moving, again. Hopefully this will be the last time. I still ave about a month and a half to get everything packed but ugh! I've never had to do it alone. I'm excited though. I'll be back in the Newnan area so I wont have to drive for miles to get to anything. I'm a little bummed tat most likely Mylie wont be able to go to preschool though. She was stoked about it. I'm gonna try though. My guy asked me to move in with him. I am a little nervous as I have only lived with one other guy, Fuckhead. I am SO excited to be able to wake up next to him everyday. Ive been falling fast and hard. Sigh

Just when u think it cant get worse

2011-06-20T17:35:00.000-05:00

My mood is horrible. I don't understand why I have to keep explaining the same thing over and over. What is so difficult about decency and respect? Why is that so hard to understand for some people? Is the entire do unto others thing lost? I feel like ramming my head into the wall out of pure frustration. I really dislike having to explain my feelings. I dislike even more when they are disputed or discredited like I am a fool for feeling the way I do. I hate having to be so vague on here but out of DECENCY and RESPECT I will be. I try so hard to be calm and keep going. I try to keep my chin up and over look things. It seems they are starting to build and build and its a bit overwhelming. I am at my breaking point. I have an extreme dislike for this feeling. It's a sort of scream, cry, pull out hair combination. Its to a point that I am getting frustrated with everyone. Well, that's not entirely true. My patience is much smaller though. It feels a bit better getting it out like this though. Crazy! That is how I feel, and probably how I'm being perceived at the moment. The thing about crazy is, crazy doesn't care. I care immensely, which is why I am on this vicious circle to begin with. Gosh people sure can suck.

Party details

2011-06-14T19:42:00.001-05:00

A little back story first. For Talise we had big birthday bashes. Her first birthday we had SO many people over some were sitting on the floor. We did pottery parties, rented movie theaters, bowling parties, inflatable playhouse thingies, she remembers none of them! For Mylie's first birthday I only invited a couple of people and did finger foods and such and she slept through most of it. I decided for Bronson I'd basically treat it like any other day with a few little exceptions. I took him out to an early dinner as he goes to bed @ 6:30. He got his first kids meal, hot dog a french fries. he ate it like a boss! Seeing as how he's only got 4 teeth, buddy can eat! He had fun but started getting sleepy. We left and went to pick up his cake and birthday balloon. My mom promptly dropped his cake s she was getting in the car. I could have cried, but didn't. It wasn't too bad, but I bought a replacement anyway. We gt home and let him open his gift. He got crazy mad and had a fit because I took away an ink pen that he was far more interested in than his gift. Once he realised their was more than paper in the bag he was down to party! He loved his activity cube. he did NOT love getting stripped down for cake, another small fit. Once he realised he could go wild with the cake it was on. He kicked that cakes tail something fierce! When he could no longer pull off pieces to eat he leaned in with his face like a dog to eat it! He finished nearly the entire thing. I was sure he was gonna puke. He never did. He DID stay up 2.5 hours past his bedtime though! He was up crawling around and bouncing. He was a happy boy. It was a great day! Too bad he won't remember it.

Milestone

2011-06-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

This time last year I was packing my bag to be induced. After trying to bust out early,Bronson decided if he couldn't come when he wanted to then he'd stay forever. I was a nervous wreck. My ex was still over the road and I was completely freaking out that he wouldn't get home in time. My first son! I could not wrap my brain around having a boy. Now, I cannot imagine NOT having my amazing son. This past year has unfairly flown by. Time passes quickly enough as it is, with all that has happened this year I cannot remember half of it. Fortunately I was able to pour all of my love into that sweet boy. He's such a fun, cuddly little guy. He listens pretty well so far. He's getting quite brave as well. He stands without holding on, and today he dropped a piece of chicken on the floor and slowly bent over to pick it up and stood back p without falling over. I was so proud of him. When I applaud his efforts he grins so big! He loves it when I call him a big boy. His smile brightens his whole face. Ive been so blessed.

Me? Too nice?

2011-06-06T13:12:00.000-05:00

I really don't think so. That is what I am being told though, in regards to my ex. I didn't get child support again this week. After several phone calls I found out that my ex is responsible for me getting the money regardless of if his wages are garnished or not. After calmly and respectfully speaking to him about it he agreed to pay the two weeks he owes. That was Friday, now I wait. We have court again on Thursday and Bronson turns one on Friday. Just typing that out makes me want to cry. I have been SO emotional lately. Very sensitive, mostly towards Bryan. I feel really lucky to have met him. I love him. I try to not create issues, but I almost feel like that is what I am doing. I will sit and think about something and it will eat at me. I will go back and forth as to whether to mention it or not. On the one hand, I refuse to tolerate anything displeasing to me anymore from a man. On the other hand ANYTHING I have ever gotten the least bit upset about, which isn't much, he has been so quick to try to make it better. He loves me. He demonstrates love every time he's around me. Heck, even his texts show love. He's a good man. He's close to his family which I love. Maybe it's feeling like this so soon after living in hell is why I am being so emotional. I just hope I don't sabotage this.

ugh..

2011-05-25T17:55:00.000-05:00

I have been in a funk. It seems to be one thing after the other. I previously wrote about Fuckhead taking me back to court to try to have the divorce set aside. Then, last Thursday, a parent at Talise's school not only was cropping her out of pictures of Field Day that she planned to put on a disk to sell, but she threatened to hit my child. A grown woman! Why, you ask? Because Talise is friends with a little girl that used to be friends with her daughter, but is no longer. Talk about crazy. Needless to say I filed a police report after speaking to the principal, whose only concern was how it would look on the school!. I also contacted the Board of Education and filled them in so no disks will be sold. My finances have be crap. I accidentally paid my kids premium twice. It's getting worked out, but is a long sucky process. My mom and I had a disagreement because of something Talise said. It's silly and over with, but it was not fun while it was going on. I've even felt a bit ambivalent towards my guy, for absolutely NO reason at all. He's amazing, sweet, fun and kind to me. I was feeling quite irritable earlier and he sent me a simple text..that's all it took. My mood completely changed. All the warm fuzzies came rushing back in full force and i realised this is real. Things happen and sometimes it feels crappy but it passes and knowing I have someone that cares enough about me to go completely out of his way without any complaint ~ wow! I am a lucky girl!

Again!

2011-05-16T20:37:00.001-05:00

SO after only two,yes TWO, child support payments ~ this week none. I called him, the state,the clerks office and finally his job. He was completely useless,which I expected really. The state just said no payment has been made. The clerks office told me that his attorney filed a motion to set aside the divorce on Friday! over a month later he is still trying to stop the divorce. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I called my attorney to see about this motion and apparently we will be back in court on June 9th. His attorney requested a change in the amount of support. Mine requested stubs for proof of income, his would not provide any. He's going to fight for custody or unsupervised visitation, I just know it. I had to contact Coweta DFCS to get a certified copy of his substantiated child abuse charge. His job said he didn't turn in his trip tickets so he didn't get paid. I knew he'd do that! I've told others he'd do that to keep me from getting a check weekly. I hate fighting dirty. I don't understand why he's doing this. I take that back. I know why, Bryan. Fernando is behaving like a little boy over jealousy. He actually told me that my new boyfriend could take care of our kids! What a man! After a few threats, name calling and throwing in the C word just because he's a douche I had to go report him for non payment. Then I headed over to the sheriff's office to file a report for harassment. Tomorrow I will go get a warrant. The gloves are off beotch! Bring it!

Dramatics

2011-05-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

As many of my friends know, my mom watches my children on the weekends when I work. I love my mother. I really don't know what I would have done without her help, especially right after I had Bronson. She drives a long way down and stays from Friday until Sunday night. When I get home from work, around 11:30 at night she is already in her van, bags packed and engine cranked to go home. Any time I am able to get off of work she stays home or leaves early. I completely understand. She's older and three little ones can be a bit much. So, when I requested off for Mothers Day and got the day off I told her. She was happy. She said she would be going home Saturday. Well, my supervisor was having problems getting first shift covered and since I wanted another day off I volunteered to come in for that 1st shift. It worked out for me and I told my mom. She was still happy that she got to leave early even if she had to stay Saturday night. Well then today happened. My daughter tells me that my mom was upset that I am going to my guys mom's on Mothers Day. At first because she thought I was asking her to watch the kids while I went. Then when she found out his mom invited my kids as well she just got upset. So me being me, I called her out on it. She was actually gonna try to the whole water works thing! I reminded her how she couldn't wait to take her tail home. She tried to say that I know that she has no memory and that I should have reminded her. I mentioned it about 4 times in total. She tried to guilt trip me too! Saying that if she means that little to me go to his moms house and have fun. I told her that, although she means the world to me, I'd given her ample opportunity before I accepted the invite to do something between us. She kept saying she wanted to go home. I told her I love her, but I am not canceling my plans. She's not happy. I am a bit annoyed at her little game.

Dating

2011-04-27T07:56:00.000-05:00

Oh My Gosh! I've always heard about crazy clingy women but not guys. I have been terribly mistaken. This dating thing has blown me away! My self confidence has escalated which is great but my forwardness has had to as well. I have had men send my completely unprovoked images of their erections because you know that always convinces a girl to have casual sex ~ psh! I have had guys that I have only met once and not gone anywhere with get all controlling and freak out on me when they find out I am speaking to more than one guy. Why is it completely acceptable for a date? I mean isn't that the meaning of dating? Seeing different people to find out who's out there worthy of you? I've had three guys ask me to move in with them to help them with their bills! Yes, that really happened with three unrelated people. I've been invited to meet up for couples sex. DO I really put out that kinda vibe? Total mistake if that is the case. I am not at all into that sort of thing. Plus their is fuckhead to deal with. It has been extremely interesting. Not all bad though. I have met a few potentials, just waiting to see what works out!

Bangs head on the wall

2011-04-22T00:28:00.000-05:00

I've been in love more than once. I've had my heart broken more than I'd care to remember. I know how it feels to desperately want things back to where they felt good to me. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why Fernando will not move on. While we were married he spoke incessantly about how he could not wait to be rid of me. Now that he is he will not leave me alone. What really gets to me is that he leads in with something about the kids and it always ends with me having to say it's never going to happen...ever! I have actually had to threaten to contact the sheriff's office about him harassing me. Even with that he just HAS to text back a few more times. I swear! I have been completely honest with him. I have broken it down the best I know how. I am at a loss. He's even tried to convince me by saying that he'll stay gone on the road all the time.We don't have to talk, we can just text each other even when in the same room. I can have his paycheck (psh! if he keeps one). Who would want that? That is not a relationship. The ink is barely dry on our divorce papers, which I carry with me as they make me smile ;). Why would I even consider him? His famous words are: forget the past.Yeah, that is possible. Maybe if the kids and I hadn't been through all that we have because of him that would be possible. unfortunately that is not the case. Any advise to get rid of this craziness is welcomed!

Embarassment

2011-04-20T06:19:00.000-05:00

So, this whole three year old business is not my favorite so far. I swear my girl is much more tantrum prone than ever. The only upside to this age is she understands consequences, she just doesn't care. She has a great vocabulary and pronounces words well, so when she freaks out the general public is well informed of her unhappiness. Example: I had to bring my babes with me to my job so I could fax some paperwork. She had fallen asleep in the car on the way there so was less than pleased about going inside. She followed me around, barking orders and refusing to behave. As we were leaving she wanted a mint. When I told her no due to her behavior she screamed out IDIOT! I was mortified. Her older sister was also spoken to regarding the incident because she is who Mylie learned the word from. Usually if Mylie isn't acting a fool out in public then I embarrass myself by looking all wild eyed and crazy from the stress of it all. I keep telling myself, it's a stage, it'll pass and her strong will will serve her well as an adult ~ hopefully!

Just wicked

2011-04-13T09:51:00.000-05:00

I have been in such a feisty, fun, wicked mood since speaking with the clerks office last Friday. Work was awesome, even though one of my favorite people left. I have been more outspoken, sarcastic, and just happy. Such a relief! What an incredible burden has been lifted, and boy can I feel it. I feel like my old self. The person I was before I met my ex. The person I was becoming. My confidence has grown tremendously. I am loving life. Is it weird that I carry a copy of my divorce papers with me. They boost my mood. Freedom. Now that I will be getting some child support I can use MY money to join a gym, buy new boobs, and enjoy life. I may have to get some Retin A to fight smile lines now!

My fella

2011-04-06T23:22:00.000-05:00

At a loss

2011-04-05T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am completely dumbfounded. It's like a switch has been flipped in my Myliebel. I have NO idea what happened to her. She has been unbelievably mean and tantrum prone. She behaved so badly at her three year old well check today, that not only do I not remember any of her measurements,the nurse offered to watch Bronson while I took her to the potty for a spank. I was humiliated. I had company over and she went ballistic. She screamed like a nut regardless of what I did and only shut up if I sat beside her on the chair. If I even attempted to speak to my friend she would start up again. Again, humiliated. I have no idea what to do with her. The pediatrician suggested time outs. I mentioned that to my friend during Mylie's fit. They just laughed. Yeah, that'll work! I've taken things away.Tried ignoring bad behaviors and praising good ones, time outs, standing in the corner, spanking, and so far nothing works. Girls got some major stamina too. She'll repeat momma over and over while I am holding her and staring straight at her face. Unless I say what Mylie she just keeps repeating. SO annoying. I miss my sweet girl. This new attitude does not thrill me.

I want to be nice...

2011-03-29T07:20:00.000-05:00

I really do. Nice with Fernando for our children. Now, neither of us are mean to each other in front or around them. We don't even discuss difficult things around them. All of this is enough on our babies. However, any kindness I show towards him he mistakes for my wanting him back. That is absolutely NOT the case. I let him come to Mylie's party. He then wanted to have dinner together, um...NO! He later texts me how much he wanted to hug me. Sorry, not gonna happen anytime soon buddy. When is it going to sink in? The funny thing is, he blames me! He swears I kicked him out. I should have, five months into our marriage I should have. I'm glad I didn't because I have three amazing blessings because of my tolerance and patience. After Mylie's party he wanted to discuss what he wants out of the divorce. He actually thinks that I should have to pay half of his debt. He's upset that I filed bankruptcy and he hasn't. Even though if he kept a job we wouldn't have had debt to file on. He doesn't consider all the tickets and fines I've paid for him. He ignores the fact that I paid his way through school, or all the times I went to DFACS to apply for assistance. I've had to call churches, salvation army, Community Action for Improvement, friends and family for financial help. He just wouldn't keep a job because he knew that I would bust my tail for my kids. You know, the reason I went to radiology school was just so I could divorce him and still provide for Talise. I didn't see at the time that I could have survived any ways. I am grateful for my survival skills because of him. I now know that I can and will make it. I've got what it takes. I am not a fan of the resentment I feel towards him. When he looked at me and said that I should pay half of his bills I almost came unglued. I had to take a deep breath and remind him of what all he's put me and our kids through. He wants normal visitation. He has no one to supervise him with the kids. The kids really miss him and want to visit with him. I would love for them to have normal visitation, I am just worried that if that happens what if he sleeps rather than watch them? What if he looses his temper as he's been known to do? He says he's been taking his medication which comforts me. I am torn. He wants me to talk to my attorney about it. I just don't know.

Leaps and Bounds

2011-03-28T08:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my sweet little doodle bug turned three. Unbelievable. Also unbelievable is her new personality. Little Miss Doodles isn't so sweet anymore. She has mastered the stink eye and has no problems giving you a what for. Thankfully, between rants and demands she is still quite sweet. She demonstrated her attitude during her party a bit. She had a great time though. She loved getting to have friends over to help celebrate. she looked adorable in her birthday outfit, and I think she knew it! She LOVES her presents. I am so happy she had a great birthday.
My sweet little fella amazes me everyday. He has gone from either sitting or rolling where ever to army crawling like a mad man. He can go from sitting to crawling and back. He's figured out how to open the baby wipe container and the other day I went to get him out of his crib and he had taken off his diaper! Thankfully, it was just urine. He LOVES trucks and trains. He shows a preference for red. He also loves his gloworm and his sister's babies. He actually acts gentle with Mylie's dolls. He'll look sweetly at his gloworm then hug it. Such a sweet little guy.

Randomness...if that's even a word

2011-03-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

Lately I have felt great. Even when the kids are showing their tail ~ still blissful. I haven't felt this way in so long I cannot remember. I ended up having to go get a loan yesterday so I could pay the kids insurance premium since someone else refused to. Even though I was disappointed about having to do that as I was driving home I felt such happiness. I don't have to go home to misery any longer. Now I can just ignore the call or hang up! What a huge burden has been lifted. I have so much fun at work now. I am able to let go and be me, who I was before. I no longer have to worry about what my children are dealing with at home. If their caregiver is awake, if they have been fed. I was so worried about being alone that I tolerated so much. Now I cannot understand what I was worried about. I pray this feeling lasts. I am a much better mother, daughter,sister, and friend feeling this way. Ah!

Drama...it's getting real old

2011-03-18T13:22:00.000-05:00

So, apparently since my ex had our divorce moved to a different county the judge rotates through and won't be back until the first week of April to sign off on the papers. Technically, we are still married. Since Fernando knows this he hired ANOTHER attorney to try to get the divorce set aside. Why? CHILD SUPPORT!!! He feels like because I can provide that he shouldn't have to, except maybe $150.00 here and there. I can't even speak to the man without getting a headache. I have been going round and round with him about the children's insurance premium that needs to be paid. I am only asking for half and offered to give him their account numbers and the telephone number and he can pay it himself. NOPE! He thinks if he waits until he comes to town and sees the kids THEN he will give it to me. Trying to bribe me. Also, he gave away his vehicle! How is he supposed to take the kids anywhere or go buy them food. I know his family isn't going to want to haul them all around everywhere and I don't blame them. Not the brightest idea. Every time he calls or texts he HAS to call me baby, honey or some other lovey term. It drives me insane and he knows it. The other night Talise was talking to him on the phone and I heard her say "Because she pays for everything, food, electricity, our house...you know you are still our dad and you should buy us things too!" I was proud of her. Later I asked her why she said that and it was because she asked for some summer clothes and he asked her why I couldn't buy them. I supported him for three years, the rest of our marriage he barely held a job and now this!
More drama...Wednesday Talise didn't get off the school bus. Just as I was about to call the school because I was freaking out, Talise's friends mom called. She had Talise. Apparently Talise forged my signature on a note saying that she was to ride home with her friend. She told the schools secretary that I was at the dentist and no one would be home. So, even though her friends mom did not send a not they let her go with her friend anyways. NOT HAPPY. Talise didn't see what the big deal was. I called the school and explained what she had done. For now on I will write and sign all notes in a specific color ink AND call the school anytime Talise is to ride home differently. She is 10! TEN! I panic at the thought of her at 16. Her father thought it was funny. I'm still angry.

Hoarders

2011-03-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. I feel so terribly bad for these people. I cannot wrap my brain around it. I think because I am almost completely opposite. I don't hold on to much. If I don't use it I toss it. Not only can I not imagine keeping so much stuff but how in the world do they afford it. How do they even know what they have? These places look like landfills! What fear they must have to hold onto so many things just in case. What a tremendous burden. Seeing a lot of clutter makes me antsy. Just having items sat on my mantel that doesn't belong there or my kids clothes left on the floor gets to me. Living amongst piles of things, boxes everywhere, just a narrow walking path from room to room is unimaginable to me. How do they rest? That would severely limit their social life I would assume. How can you invite guests over to that? Companionship is so important. Face time is important. Well, at least to me it is. I can't speak for everyone. I truly feel pity for hoarders.

Having Fun

2011-03-15T08:45:00.000-05:00

I have been having such a good time enjoying life lately. Even this weekend past at work. We were incredibly busy but I still had a great time cutting up with my co-workers. I am amazingly blessed at work. Love it! I can not express that enough. Of course being mostly women we can have our moments but we are quick to talk it out and move on. So Blessed! I must admit I am a little disappointed that a member of our crew is moving on and up hopefully.Though I am happy that they have a new opportunity they will be missed as they bring so much light and playfulness to the group. I have taken the initiative to go ahead and try to recruit one of my favorites from another crew though. Keeping my fingers crossed. I've had fun since I've been home also. Me and the girls (and handsome fella) have been riding with the windows down and the radio up singing and dancing as we ride. We played outside then came in to watch a television program together. It was a good day yesterday. So far today is going wonderfully. I have been really feeling Rihanna's music lately so Mylie, Bronson, and I have danced it out this morning! They laughed so much Mylie had to take a break to recover! I am a happy girl!

Birthday Suit

2011-03-11T20:33:00.000-06:00

Not that one! Mylie's birthday outfit has arrived and she was so stoked about it I went through fits of joy on her part trying to get a decent picture. I will now share my aggravation with you!

Looking forward

2011-03-07T17:04:00.000-06:00

I feel as though a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A burden left behind. What a relief. Although it was a bit scary at first, I already feel like such a different mom. I was under so much stress I got so easily angered and yelled a lot. I don't now. I would be so tense that I ignored some behaviors that I should have corrected, now I don't. My girls seem happier, although they miss their father terribly. I truly do wish things could have worked out, but their was just too much negative for that to happen. So, now we move on. I look forward to the future. I have come to realize just how many people care about me and it feels great. My relationship with my mother has improved vastly, that means the world to me. Things are going to be fine. Better than fine, wonderful. I look forward to letting life unravel.

Q&A

2011-03-04T11:21:00.000-06:00

I saw this on one of the blogs I follow, The Bigger'sPicture, and I like the idea.

1. The phrase or punctuation I overuse most is "a bit" Nearly everything in quantity is a bit. Ex: in a bit, a bit of, just a bit.I should expand my vocabulary a bit!

2. Today I am thankful for my freedom in every sense of the word. It is an unbelievable feeling to be truly free.

3. My best friend is my mom. She is strong, protective and fun. She can be difficult at times, but who isn't? She is my #1 cheerleader and I cannot imagine my life without her. Our relationship has come a long way, and for that I am grateful.

4. A quirky thing about me is I cannot stand to have dirty feet. I don't like to get dirty in general, but dirty feet really irk me. Feet are ugly enough without adding to it and the feeling of funk on the bottom of my feet, eww. I worry about being in an accident and the rescue/ER folks having to remove my clothes and shoes. Not only would I have on clean underwear, but clean feet too!

5. This weekend I am hanging out with friends, while working! At least my co-workers are awesome. i love my job and really don't mind going in every weekend. Sometimes they seem to drag on forever, but at least I'm in the trenches with great people.

6. Something that worries me is my children's safety. My safety. My mom, her health. Finances. Losing my job, the list goes on. I know it is fruitless to worry, but I just cannot help it.

7. On my night stand you would find...the clothes I plan to wear the next day and Bronson's extra blankets. The nightstands are at the foot of the bed so Bronson's crib would beside the bed. I gotta have that sweet little fella close by. I couldn't sleep with him any farther away than he is now.

That's it! My Q&A or fill in the blanks, whatever you want to call it.

A New Day

2011-03-03T19:39:00.000-06:00

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Fill in the Blank

2011-03-02T15:49:00.000-06:00

1. I am currently obsessed with my steam mop! I love , love, love it! My socks stay white now! That pleases me so.

2. Today I am grateful because, even though my mom hates the drive, and her live in makes it difficult on her, she is on her way down to watch my babies so I can go to court tomorrow. Hopefully all will be finalized. Prayers are welcomed.

3. The age I am is 33 and the age I feel is 27. I feel like an adult, but not a thirty-something adult. I feel like I am still finding my way in the world. I like where I'm at and where I seem to be going so all is well!

4. My favorite place is my bed. It is soft, I have heavy blankets so I can get all squishy feeling. So relaxing, especially when their aren't any kids in the bed with me.

5. Something I have been procrastinating is doing my continuing education. It is so boring and time consuming, but I need to get cracking. September will be here before we know it.

6. The last thing I purchased was birthday invitations. My sweet Myliebel turns three this month. We are having her first party with friends and she is excited.

7. The thing I love most about my home is it's where my babies are. It's filled with love and memories. It's cute and quiet and perfect for my little family.

A New Day

2011-02-28T11:17:00.000-06:00

Things are looking up. I am calm and happy. I am so proud of my sweet babes. Talise has been nicer , more helpful and less sarcastic to her grandmother. That alone makes my life so much easier! I cannot wrap my brain around being disrespectful to one's grandparent, but Talise can be, and much too often for my liking. My mother is old school in her thinking so she gets really, really upset by any form of attitude coming her way. I completely understand that and agree with her. My hope is that Talise will get it together and stop all together, but she is going through a lot here lately and is handling it all wonderfully if you ask me.
     Mylie is doing SO good! She didn't get in any trouble all weekend! That is a first since Bronson has been born. She also slept in her bed all night both Saturday and Sunday nights, another first. I am so proud I almost bought her a gift for doing it. I didn't because really, she is supposed to anyway and she should feel pride in herself. Pride is gift enough. She is turning 3 in 27 days! Where has the time gone? She is my sweet little angel, I love her so! I registered her for preschool today! She gets to start in the fall. We are both excited about it. She can't wait to make her own friends. I can't wait for some alone time with Bronson.
    Speaking of Bronson, he will be one in three short months. That blows my mind. He can now say mama, dada, hi, and baba (bottle). He has two teeth and utilizes them for evil! He will bite the fire out of you! He hasn't bit me while nursing yet thank goodness. He is very rough and has been showing his temper here recently. He has also been fighting naps. When he gets overly tired and I am trying to hold him to give him a bottle he will slap at me and the bottle. He tries to claw me and arches his back while screaming at me. Once I get him held with his arms down at his sides and will succumb to sleep.That's really the only time he gets difficult. Otherwise he is a happy boy. He loves trucks and cars, preferably yellow ones it seems. He also adores his glow worm. He gets the sweetest expression when he sees it. He handles it gently too. My mom and I always say ah, sweet baby, in a loving tone when we give it to him. I want him to be kind and loving. He has a baby (it's yellow) that he loves too. He likes balloons and sitting in his diaper boxes. He has been doing the pre-crawling sway non-stop. He really gets going then lays on his belly. I'm sure he will crawl sooner rather than later. He responds to all of his nicknames which are: Fella (from me), Bunky, Zippy, Zach, zip zaking zacha, and Taters ( all from my mom). He loves exploring things since he can roll around and he really enjoys being outdoors.
     What have I done to deserve all of this? I've got a good job, wonderful family, supportive friends and amazing, wonderful, healthy, bright, happy children. Glory be to God for blessing me immensely!

Just Blessed

2011-02-22T10:43:00.000-06:00

So far today I have cleaned the kitchen, fed two of my three babes two meals and a snack, went outside to play and washed a load of clothes. I feel great, While I was outside pushing both of my babies on the swing set I got them for Christmas It just sank in. Regardless of what is going on in my life right now I am extremely blessed. I may have to work long hours every weekend, but my co-workers are wonderful. I actually miss them when they are out. I get to spend all week with my children and still provide for them without them missing out on just about anything. Well, maybe vacations,but I try to make up for that. Just being able to come and go as I please all week,being able to push my babies outside is a blessing. It is a beautiful day. I am blessed.

Blah

2011-02-21T14:36:00.000-06:00

This past week was nice. It was boring, nothing crazy to report. I liked it. So did the girls. Mylie has regressed with her potty training which I know is normal,but a pain nonetheless. Talise is doing well and Bronson is great. He is SO big! He finally can roll himself all over the place.He gets up on his knees and rocks a lot. He loves to stand and sit up. He hasn't tried to sit from laying down yet though. He is very strong and determined. He gets angry when he wants something and can't get it.He lets me know by screaming while thrashing around like a fish out of water. He gets over it pretty quickly though.

Redneck Ignorance

2011-02-01T07:58:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of positives about living in a small town. We still have full service gas stations. Officers will help you get into your locked car. People bring you meals when you are recovering from a hospital stay. Their are also some major negatives. One of which is lack of common knowledge. Not everyone of course, but some people with important roles in our community. I will now give an example. Ever since we split Fernando uses his time off of work to harass me and my children. I don't think he fully understands that is what he is doing, but it is. He is supposed to be supervised IF he spends any time with the children. I do not have to allow him to see them at all due to an ex parte custody order I have signed by a state circuit judge. Friday Fernando came home and wanted the girls to spend the night with him. He has his own place, which I don't know where it is. He had no one with him to supervise so I said no. He then decided to tall Talise what a bitch he thinks I am. Great! Then Saturday I get a call from him while I am at work. He is telling me that I better tell my mother to send the children outside. He is there and he wants to see his kids. He WILL see them! I called my mother and she tells me she has to go, she is on the other line with the sheriffs department. It took them about twenty minutes to arrive and it was the new guy. He wasn't sure if they should arrest Fernando for violating the order or not so he called for back up. Turns out that their are only two deputies that serve my area, great, dumb and dumber. The more experienced of the two told me they couldn't honor the order because it was issued in another county. What? That can't be right. I could not get it through his thick skull that he was mistaken. He was being very insensitive and careless. He made absolutely NO sense. He kept telling me I didn't want to step on the DA's toes. I honestly don't care about stepping on toes, I care about protecting my children. Meanwhile Fernando is pacing the front of the driveway and calling me at work. I told my co-worker to just tell him I'm with a patient. He leaves me a message that HE'S calling the police so he can see his kids. Go for it buddy! The deputy advises me to go to the sheriff's office Monday after noon to pick up a copy of the report and to go to the circuit clerk to file a harassment warrant. Once they ran Fernando off and warned him not to come back I called my attorney to leave a message as to what had just gone down. Monday morning my attorney calls me completely flabbergasted at the deputies lack of knowledge. He called the sheriff's office and spoke with the sheriff. The sheriff did not believe that his deputy told me the order was no good. It IS valid and should be honored! I wrote down my case number and the judges name gathered my ex parte order, kids and supplies and headed to the court house. Once there, after obtaining a copy of the report I spoke with the sheriff. He assured me that they would NOT allow Fernando to take my children. They would honor the order and he would be sure that his deputies would be educated on honoring ex parte custody orders regardless on which county it was issued in. Then I went down to speak with the circuit clerk who, after listening to my side of the situation, issued a criminal (I think) trespassing warrant. Next time Fernando shows up at my house whoever is there with the children is to call the sheriff's department and tell them he has an active warrant against him. I really don't want him arrested because I'd like to eventually get child support out of him, but I will NOT allow him to harm or take my children. I also found out my divorce case is just sitting there, waiting to be set. The circuit clerk told me that one of the attorney's has to file a motion to set the case before it will be put on the docket. I called my attorney again to ask him to do that. He told me NO! He said that he found that rude and after a few months if it hasn't been set and Fernando's attorney withdraws then he may file a motion. I asked him if he'd please go ahead and do it. He told me I have full custody of my kids so why should it matter how long it takes. I told him that I would like to get some child support. He told me good luck with that, that Fernando probably won't even pay it. I just let him go and went back to the circuit clerk's office. I informed them of what my attorney told me and asked if their is anything I can do to speed things a long. They had me write out a request to set and sign it and said they'd give it to the judged and inform them of why I did it. Hopefully that will get the ball rolling. I am ready for this to be over with.

Despise, disgust, and worry

2011-01-26T08:03:00.000-06:00

I've written before about my feeling towards my mom's live in. I've never voiced any of these opinions to him, and unless she ever leaves I won't. However, last Friday when she came over to watch my children she had a mark on her neck. Only one year ago she had surgery on her neck and now she is without insurance to be seen again. She told me what happened and of course asked me not to say anything because he would only raise hell even worse. I sat and fumed about it all weekend at work. It kept creeping back into my thoughts. Yesterday I called my mom and he answered saying that he was just about to call me because he didn't know where she was. I asked if everything was ok between them, had they had a disagreement. He said no and I assured him that if she contacted me first I'd have her call him. Then later in the afternoon he called again. Still no word from her, then he had the nerve to try to bad mouth her to me. The fury resurfaced in a big way. I was trembling. I very calmly explained to him that she probably just needed a break and that is why she isn't answering. He kept on and I lost it. I was very respectful and calm about it, but I told him that I saw the mark even though she wouldn't tell me what happened ( I lied) I had a pretty good idea. I told him that I often hear him giving her a very hard time in the back ground when I call her. That she is getting old and needs rest. He had the balls to say that I don't know how SHE speaks to him. I told him based on what I've witnessed it is probably deserved. He then says he has never laid a hand on her! I reminded him of his little stint in the big house for domestic violence towards her. He got upset that I brought up his past. Oh well. I apologised for being disrespectful and told him it would be extremely unfortunate if I EVER see another mark on my mother. Then Mylie wanted to talk so she did and I hung up. I was worried all night and had an upset stomach thinking about it. I finally spoke to her. He lied about what was said and did fuss a bit, but that's it. My rage still fumes.

Memory Lane

2011-01-24T20:17:00.000-06:00

I was sitting here, thinking about the past. How quickly things change. How fast babies grow. It is amazing, wonderful and overwhelming all at once. I went looking through photos from when we first moved out here. I can't get over how much my girls have changed. When you are going through the motions of life it is so easy to get caught up in it. Life, sucks you in, worries you, brings you intense emotions every day. Next thing you know everything is different. So I am taking in some memories, appreciating where I've been and smiling.

She had to sneak up there and was stoked about not getting caught.

We had never seen huge hay bales up close before so we had to get some pictures.

Look at how much Mylie has grown! See those sweet little curls? I have been just trimming her hair in attempt to save those curls. The longer her hair gets the less curls. It saddens me.

Growing

2011-01-21T09:01:00.000-06:00

Bronson can now sit pretty much unassisted. I still put the Boppy around him just in case he falls over. I don't want him to get hurt.

Mylie is playing much better with Bronson too. He LOVES it. He tolerates just about anything she doles out just as long as she is giving him attention.

Sometimes it just sucks

2011-01-20T15:50:00.000-06:00

This whole thing. I never thought my relationship would end no matter how bad it got. I am glad it did, for me. The longer I am single the happier I am that it did. For my children, not so much. Talise says she wishes we could get back together, but knows that he will never change so that won't ever happen. Mylie is too young to understand. I don't know what to say to her about it. She talks about her dad all the time. Just a minute ago she was saying that when her daddy pushes her in her new swing she will have to hold on tight so she doesn't fall off. She often says when her daddy gets home from work.. Or she's telling her daddy. She will demand me to call him for her, which I do. I let her talk to him as often as she likes. It breaks my heart. She is a total daddy's girl. I haven't said anything to her yet. I don't know if I should or not. I don't know what she'll understand. I don't want to hurt her. I feel like either way I will. This sucks completely.

SO happy

2011-01-19T06:01:00.002-06:00

He was putting on a show for the camera.

Shots x 2

2011-01-18T16:06:00.000-06:00

Today Bronson had to go in for vaccines and Talise needed a check-up. First thing this a.m. went trekked down to Opelika to see our wonderful pediatrician. Bronson was a trooper. He got three shots and cried for a minute but once I brought out a bottle he was happy as a clam. Neither Talise or I had any idea what was going to happen for her check-up. She had the normal height, weight, hearing and vision. The doctor asked her loads of questions and it was determined that she has reflux. That explains the belly and chest pain.She also had to get three shots. Talise is petrified of needles. Last time she had a blood draw we were there 2 hours and I had to sit on her while two nurses held her down and one stuck her. I talked to her while the nurse went and got them ready. I explained that once you reach a certain age you have to basically suck it up. You have to do a lot of things you don't want to, some of which are painful,but you hold still and get it done. She made me proud. She cried, but she held still and took deep breaths. She's come a long way!

Faking it

2011-01-14T08:05:00.000-06:00

When I was younger I dated a guy that meant the world to me. So much so that I gave myself to him. After that ~~magical~~ night I received a telephone call from a girl claiming to be his fiance. During our ~~blubbery mess of a conversation~~ chat she revealed to me that she too had given herself to him as well. This ass had ruined both of us. Our self esteem and security tainted. From then on I was insecure, jealous and questioned my worth with every guy I encountered. That is until my mom had a talk with me. She let me in on a twisted little secret that I believe to be true to this day. Sadly, you can't let people know just how much they mean to you. To keep a guy interested you have to make him feel like you could take him or leave him. Once I started holding back my feelings and behaving like I was the only thing that mattered I had guys chasing me like mad.Nut head couldn't marry me fast enough. Everything went well until I let him know how much I loved him. Then he took advantage of my love and became an ass from hell. Now his only sense of control is dragging out the divorce.He wants us to be friends. He wants me to go out to dinner with him. HE wants us to date. He'll call off his attorney if i... I am SO fed up with his crap. At first I was faking it, pretending to still be interested but I just CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE. i DO not ENJOY TALKING TO HIM.Even hearing his voice disturbs me. The thing is, the more I push him away the more up my tail he tries to get. Momma was right. The one who cares less has the power in the relationship. I just don't want the relationship! I want out. To be divorced and left alone.

Winter Fun

2011-01-11T20:06:00.000-06:00

We got ice. lots of super slick, bust your tail, ice. My momma is stuck over here at my house due to this ice. I was pretty excited about her being iced in. I love my mom and feel much comfort when she's here. She comes every weekend but we don't get to see much of each other. Fridays, when she arrives, I run around taking care of errands that I am unable to do with my babies in tow. When I finish that up we eat dinner maybe watch a movie then I'm off to bed. I work all weekend and Monday morning, as soon as the sun is up enough for her to see, she is off. So, even though she is here I get to spend hardly any time with her. She really didn't want to be stuck here. She had planned to leave Sunday night. She thought she could beat the ice home. Nope. I had to leave work 4 hours early and still barely made it up my driveway. I really thought I was going to have to park at the bottom of my driveway and walk u it. I made it though.Yay! She has been very grumpy. She needs a break from the girls. They can be sassy and are definitely little wiggle tails. All the non stop movement makes her nervous. Her nervousness and grumpiness has caused her to be less patient with my girls and get a bit mean. I don't like it. She's also quite vocal about how miserable she is and how badly she wants to go home. I try to just brush it off. I know she wants to sleep in her own bed and she misses her pup, but it stings some to hear Oh Goodness! I must go! I've got to get out of here! Blah, blah, blah. I love her and really wishes she wasn't so miserable. I had visions of us hanging out, talking, laughing, doting on the babes. My expectations have been let down and I don't like it. Who does like it though? It hasn't been non stop misery. We've had some fun. I just love her so much. She has been so great with everything that has been going on in my life recently. I just wish I had a way to take her out. Vacation together or something. Maybe just enjoy being holed up in all this ice. Bleh, ice.

First Sink Bath

2011-01-10T17:30:00.000-06:00

Now that Bronson is big enough to sit with some stability I decided to bathe him in the sink. It has a hit. He sat and splashed for a while.

Love that last expression.

So in love

2011-01-06T22:25:00.000-06:00

I've said it a thousand time or more. I adore my children. I love breast feeding them. Something about it is so loving and personal. Even when Mylie FINALLY stopped at 25 1/2 months and I was beyond pregnant I still grieved over it. All three of my babes have been excellent nursers. Bronson took right to it. He's cut way back but I offer him the breast often. He can be a bit lazy and will fuss if my let down isn't right away. But at night, when he wakes to nurse I love it. Looking down at that sweet face. Knowing that not only did my body give him a space to grow but can also provide all the nourishment he needs. Amazing. It's so bonding.Duh, I know. But until you've done it you just can't grasp it. We are so connected. I wouldn't ever change it. So in love.

True Colors

2011-01-05T20:29:00.000-06:00

This divorce is really causing his true colors to shine. I must admit it really hurts. He's always been a name caller, we both ended up that way. I never doubted that he'd do whatever it took (besides work) for me and the girls. Bronson was a different story. He has since gone completely nuts. Stalking me, begging me to cut him, lying to me, stealing from me and constantly asking me for money. I am blown away by it all. I have given him almost whatever he's asked for. It makes me question what all he's been dishonest with me about in the past. He says he fired his attorney. Then he hired him back. Not only that but he had the case moved to Randolph county which moves slow as molasses I am so upset. I am so over this whole thing. Crying. Fighting. Struggling.Well I tell you what as long as he's following then rules of the courts so will I. I am hurt and fed up.

Talise's New Room

2011-01-04T20:48:00.000-06:00

Talise hasn't got new bedding or curtains since 2005. Santa brought new digs and she is quite pleased. According to Talise she now has a teenager room. Whatever!

She got glow in the dark stars that she put on her walls instead of the ceiling. She also got some peace mirrored wall decals.

She got a Peace sign earring holder.

New bedding.

And new curtains.

I'm happy that she's happy!

Chaperone

2011-01-03T09:39:00.000-06:00

On Christmas evening I received a telephone call from a friend of Talise's father. He said that the friend really loved Talise and wants her to go to the movies with her. The friend wanted to see Gulliver's Travels (very good movie). He said I'd be welcome to come along to chaperone if I'd like. Of course I said yes, no way would I let my child go anywhere with someone I have never met. I looked up show times and the earliest one was at 2. I wanted to go to an early one because I had to work third shift that night and needed time to take a nap before going in. He shows up 3 hours early, even after I reminded him of the show time. After he picks us up he drives to this ratty trailer to look for a gas can to put gas in his truck. He didn't find it so we had to stop on the way. After putting gas in his truck he said he needed to make a stop about a job. Not what I would do if I was taking someone out. After stopping three or four times we finally park to get some lunch. He chose a local hot dog joint. Yes, I said hot dog. Fine cuisine. The kids are with us so whatever. After he pays the total of $18.79 for all four of us to eat he turns to me and in front of the girls asks me if I have any money. In my head I was thinking Seriously!!!! Yes I do. He then tells me since he had to pay for gas he no longer has money to get us into the show. To say I wasn't impressed is an understatement. So I pay for us to get in and buy concessions to the date I was asked on. The movie was enjoyable, although I caught him asleep a couple of times. You know, at the movie he asked ME to, then asked ME to pay for. Yeah, asleep. After it was over on our way home we had to stop by the ratty trailer once more for him to syphon gas out of the old beat up van to put more gas into his truck. After THAT stop he tells me when he gets his UNEMPLOYMENT check in he'll take me out some place nice. Um, No you won't buddy. That's quite alright.

Two posts in one

2011-01-01T19:05:00.000-06:00

Talise gave Mylie a make-over. Wow! It's all I got.

Posing. She is also wearing Talise's clothes. Nice.

I actually like this one, even with the bright blue eye shadow.

She is just so pretty.

Now here is my baby New Year:

Bronson and Granny had a blast playing together today. Granny play rough and although it makes me wince Bronson absolutely LOVES it. She hangs him upside down. He loves it so much that anytime he plays on the floor and she walks by he starts swinging his arms and kicking his legs back and forth. He laughs deep, belly laughs when they play. It warms my heart watching them.

See his dimples? That's from his grinning at what's to come. (check out those thighs!)

They love each other so.

Here's my sweet fella playing on the floor. He's gotten to where he'll actually play by himself on the rug for up to an hour.

I just LOVE those thighs! So squishy.

I am so blessed. Praise God!

End of this year

2010-12-31T19:07:00.000-06:00

This year has been an interesting one. My life has changed in so much in so many ways. I put Fernando through school. He finally got a job after being unemployed for two years. I had pre-term labor and then had to be induced into labor with my amazing son. I had my first boy. My husband left our family. I survived. I continue surviving. It may seem trivial but I got into my first and hopefully last argument with an dear friend. I was able to buy my mom jewelry for Christmas for the first time, that made me very proud of myself. I bought my dad a Christmas present for the first time in many,many years. This was the first year we did not have a big Christmas dinner. This year I learned just how special my Mommy and Me ladies are. Truly precious and kind, amazing women. Talise has stepped up and become such a wonderful daughter. She still gets an attitude but she has gotten to a point that if she sees that her brother or sister need something she just handles it. Makes me so proud. 2010 has been something else. Can't wait to see what the rabbit has in store for my family.

Santa came! Santa came!

2010-12-25T20:37:00.000-06:00

Here's Bronson's loot. I think he must have been a really good boy.

He LOVED his cars, links and glow worm the best!

Can you tell he just woke up?

My favorite photo of him enjoying his new toys.

Isn't that the sweetest little grin ever?

Here is Mylie's loot.

Her doll is most definitely her favorite. She was excited to see it and hasn't put it down much at all.

She named her Annie. That is a big deal. Only one other doll of hers has a name, all others are baby.

Here is Talise's loot.

She likes her Nintendo DS XL the best. She also was happy about new bedding, curtains and wall decor for her room. She says her room now looks like a teenagers. That is her goal. To look as grown as possible. We had a great day.They made out like bandits. Granny even caught Santa and snapped a picture.

To top that off, if anything could be better, it snowed! Our first ever white Christmas. We are so very blessed.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T19:50:00.000-06:00

I am filled with anticipation. I cannot wait to see what Santa brings for my sweet babes. I, unfortunately, have to work tonight. I will be home by 7 though and I am working with a friend, so that's not so bad. The girls and I made reindeer food and the girls went out and sprinkled it on the lawn. They've been tracking Santa online. They are already in bed. We've been watching Eight Crazy Nights and enjoying each other. It has been a pleasant day. Talise gave her elf a gift, some lifesavers and a Littlest Pet shop toy. I really look forward to tomorrow. My aunt is supposed to come down and my mom is already here. It will be lovely.

Excitement

2010-12-23T09:45:00.000-06:00

I am SO stoked about Christmas. This year is the first year ever that I have been able to buy my mom jewelry. I was SO excited about it I could barely contain myself. I gave it to her the first weekend in December. She loved it so much that she had to wear it right away. That made my heart smile. All my father wanted was two old John Wayne movies. We just recently re-connected after 9 years of not speaking. I don't think I have ever gotten him a Christmas present. He mentioned to me while on the phone that he left my brother a voice mail asking for the movies since he hasn't ever bought a present for my father either. I immediately ordered them with two day shipping so he should have gotten them yesterday. He was surprised and very grateful that I would do that. He asked my brother because my brother is much better off than I am right now. I am just so pleased that I CAN buy gifts this year. I mean, besides for my kids. I already left my babes open their presents from each other and from me.

I even got my mail lady a gift. I cannot wait for her to see it. I got her some Godiva chocolates and a travel coffee mug. She is the best. Such a sweet lady. I took some more holiday photo's of my favorite little man for your viewing pleasure.

Look at the cute little booty in the background! So sweet! Merry Christmas to all my blog friends! I love you all!

Santa Baby

2010-12-17T07:25:00.000-06:00

Six months

2010-12-13T21:41:00.000-06:00

Life needs a pause button. This is just flying by. It's not fair! Bronson turned six months old last Friday, December 10, 2010. I tried real hard to get pictures of him. Those darn teeth prevented that from happening though. Those teeth are right there, just under the surface. I can see an outline, they just won't pop through. My poor guy is having trouble sleeping because of those teeth. He's also got a terrible rash on his lower belly and around his boy parts. I am taking him to the doctor in the morning. I need to see if there is anything else that is keeping him miserable. His sweet little face just looks sickly, even when he smiles. He's almost got the roll from back to belly thing down. He's sitting up well, but still assisted. He is eating like a champ! He loves being sung to, hearing new words and for you to whisper in his ear. He thinks it is incredibly funny to let his head dangle down. Like when he's laying on my lap on his back with his fat little legs up my chest and his head hanging down the front of my knees. He giggles like a mad man. He has a favorite toy, a baby sized stuffed bear. He loves it. He will squeeze, cuddle and chew on it.Bronson also loves being naked. Because of his rash I have been letting him lay around diaper less a bit. I looked over at him and he on his back, watching the t.v.,legs all sprawled out just chillin. Too cute. I've also been using the blow dryer on low to dry him off after bath and diaper changes. Another win. He was so into it. As soon as I turned it off he whimpered! Little stinker! I think he is already training me. My mother swears it. I can't help it though, he's super cute and so squishy and kissable. I've just got to hold and kiss him all the time. Six months have flew by, but they have been an amazing blessing, full of love, cuddles, giggles and grins. I cannot wait to see what the next six bring. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy Bronson. I am unworthy, but truly honored. I love you bigger than the world!

Putting the Smack Down

2010-12-09T19:26:00.000-06:00

I often refer to Mylie as my sweet little angel. She'll agree and say yes, I sweet angel. However, lately this has not been the case. She has been a very busy girl. She is also quite demanding and feels she must talk back. My mother cannot stand it. She sat me down and had a talk with me. She said I had to step up to the plate.Whether I like it or not I must be harder on my angel because she is becoming a brat. My mother no longer wants to be the bad guy. I have tolerated a lot more than I should because she is a baby. She's only been on this planet for 2 years and 8 months. I tried for over five years to have her. She is my sweet sugar dumpling. She was such a sweet little girl until Bronson arrived. I think that is another reason I choose to overlook a lot. I know she is jealous and acting out from having to share the spot light. Well, I listened to my mother as any good daughter would do. It has not been easy. I really do not enjoy getting on to her. She has been behaving much better though. She is starting to understand that I am the boss and I mean business. Talise is happy because she felt like I loved Mylie more since I let her get away with so much. My mom is happy because if I get Mylie in line then she can go back to being fun granny instead of the disciplinarian granny. I really am not having fun with this, but I guess it has to be done. So, I've put the smack down.

Christmas

2010-12-07T11:52:00.001-06:00

I just love Christmas. As a kid it was all about the gifts. Now I really enjoying giving gifts. I am so pleased to know that I made someone smile. I truly enjoy teaching my children about giving. I like to let them out money in the Salvation Army bucket. They get a real kick out of doing it too! I love putting together goody bags for Talise 's class. All the lights and pretty decorations are so much fun. Each year we attempt a Santa picture. We have not been successful since Talise was about 2! We have not attempted yet this year, but we will! Every year I buy them each their own ornament. My goal is for them to have some to take with them when they leave the nest for their first Christmas tree. I let the girls open their presents from each other on Christmas Eve. They may be disappointed this year as they both got clothes, but they ARE girls,right? I cannot wait for Christmas morning. I am excited for them to see what they got from Santa. They've already received their Santa Santa videos and I plan to get them an I Caught Santa photo this year. This may be the last year Talise believes. I hope not. I think Mylie may be old enough to start understanding the meaning of Christmas too. i still need to buy the fixings for Magic Reindeer Food so Santa finds our house.I am a little worried because my mom has to put out Christmas as I have to work overnight Christmas Eve. Hopefully she can do it right. This year I am also going to try to take them down to the Fantasy of Lights. I think that would be a lot of fun. We are all looking forward to Christmas dinner. it is so nice having family over. Catching up and hanging out. I wish my brother lived closer. I am still stoked about this holiday though. I feel so much love towards others this time of year.

2010-12-06T22:05:00.000-06:00

I love a bargain. I feel a rush whenever I score a deal. Like today, I went to Old Navy to buy sweaters for the girls. Right now their sweaters are buy one get one free.AWESOME.I recently lost my debit card and had to cancel it,so I couldn't shop online. So, I trekked an hour to the closest one just to partake the deal. Talise couldn't find any sweaters she liked, but I got Mylie two super cute ones. Their fleece was also a pretty good sale. In all I got Talise a fleece zip front top, fleece pants and two pair of gloves. Mylie left with 3 fleece outfits and 2 sweaters. Bronson got a fleece one piece. My total $102. and change.Score! I was happy. It was worth the drive. Oh, and while we were shopping Talise informed me that she thinks she is goth. She has decided that grey,black and browns are her new colors and because of that she must be goth. And so it begins.

Ramblings

2010-12-02T09:39:00.000-06:00

So, I was thinking, maybe I should change the name of my blog. After all, I am no longer baby questing. I've got three amazing babes. Although I will not rule out more later just yet. Only time will tell. So I've been pondering new titles. A couple I've thought about are Blessedx3, and pre-Teens, Toddlers, and Newborns Oh My! I'm up for suggestions though. I have been a bargain finding fool! Every time I say I'm done, no more, no way I come across a bargain I just can't refuse. I pass them along to my friends but I usually partake in them also. I think it is because I've had to say no so often for so long. Last year I was only able to get the kids a few things each. Actually since Mylie was born because when Mylie was 4 months old Fernando quit his job. He didn't work again until March of this year. So I think that's part of why Talise gets so ill with Mylie. Talise USED to have amazing birthdays and Christmas's. I'd easily spend $1000.00 or more. She was our only for so long that once I finished x-ray school and got a real job I spoiled her beyond rotten. Maybe not my best idea, but her dad hasn't ever been a big fan of work so I wanted to make up for all the time I wanted to get her things and couldn't. Made up I did, big time! Then, after Fernando quit his job, we had to come up with the five gift thing. I really didn't like it. I know she doesn't NEED a lot , all of her needs are met, but I LOVE being able to give her things. Nice things. Especially now. She's helped me SO much! I've probably over done it but oh well! Another thing, I've always wanted to give my mother jewelry. She adores jewelry. She's also helped me out tremendously. Often when Fernando was out of work or when he blew our money on stupidity she'd buy Talise clothes or shoes. She's deposited money in my account to keep things from bouncing, she's loaned money and bought necessities. She's been wonderful and deserves something nice. So she was looking at a jewelry book I had gotten in the mail and oohing and aahing so I told her to circle the things she really likes. Well, when I went to order them ( a pair of diamond earrings and ring) they didn't have the rings she had circled,but they did have a really pretty diamond ring that looked great with the earrings. So, I bought it. Last night, they had one of the rings she had circled, so I bought it too. My intention was to take back the first ring. I showed it to Talise and she likes the bigger ring from last night the best, but thinks the ring I already picked looks better with the earrings and that Granny will like it better. Now I am torn. In the thirteen years I was married I never got any real diamonds. Heck, not much jewelry at all,none after we had kids. My mom bought me jewelry. So I am tempted to keep one for myself. I've also debated giving her both. What to do, what to do. I may take pictures and post them on Facebook for a vote. I need to go buy fabric for the kids stockings. A wonderful friend who is quite crafty is going to make them monogrammed stockings. I just have to find material. Of course out here in the sticks they don't have any fabric stores. I wonder if Joann's lets you order it online? OK, enough rambling, here's a few photo's that Talise took of Mylie. I think she did great.

Dear Baby Teeth,

2010-12-01T06:54:00.002-06:00

Please, do us all a favor, make up your mind. Either pop on through or stop trying! You are making my sweet fella miserable. So much so that nothing is helping him. The poor little guy sighs in relief at the Tylenol bottle. That only helps for a bit. I know you mean well and all, but good grief! I'm sure you are going to be gorgeous, shine brightly and work hard for him once you make your appearance but please either hurry up or just stop. Give him a break please. He's such a good boy. He tries to be happy, even when you are aggravating the mess out of him. It's just not right! It breaks my heart seeing him like this. I've done all I know to do to ease up the discomfort you are causing. Have mercy on him!
Bronson's Mommy

This face

2010-11-30T07:47:00.000-06:00

This face

This beautiful, cereal covered face

This beautiful, cereal covered, big blue eyed face

Seriously warms my heart.

Holidays

2010-11-29T12:55:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked a super juicy, tender bird. YUM! Everything else was good too. Well, not everything. We are HUGE dessert fans, and ours sucked, big time. It was a new recipe. Carrot cake, one of my favorites and perfect for Thanksgiving. It called for grated carrots (duh), raisins, pineapple, walnuts, and coconut. That all sounded yummy to me, but the actual cake part worried me a bit, and rightfully so. It called for a butter cake mix, oil, AND pudding. I always add pudding to my cakes, but not pudding and oil. I baked. It smelled heavenly. I let it cool, iced it and covered it the day before. When we were finished eating and ready for cake I noticed a little pool of oil surrounding thee cake. Hmm, that's not supposed to be there. I tasted a bit from the top of the cake. Gag! Not good! At all. What a waste of ingredients. We were all disappointed. Oh well. Bronson enjoyed the holiday. He smacked down mashed potatoes, pumpkin casserole and then gummed on speckled Lima beans. I have one of these:

that I put them in so he only got the juice and flavor. I had to work that night which bummed me a bit, but it wasn't too bad. My wonderful coworker helped me to score the steam mop I wanted online when the sales started. That pleased me and then when I got home in the morning my mom let me sleep! Fernando never did that. He'd let the girls be loud and come in my room to bug me or jump on the bed. I digress, If you keep up with my blog then you've read about my Christmas stress. I never explained why. I always pay cash for Christmas, so I panic about it. I am on a limited income though so it is very important to not charge anything that is not a dire emergency. I start buying Christmas early so I can get everything in time and it is entirely paid for. So, when Fernando finally gave me child support and I was able to buy most of their Christmas it was SUCH a relief. I say most because I THOUGHT I was finished. I WAS finished until this past weekend. All the deals broke me! I was bad. I used bill money (I was going to pay something off) to buy more! I scored a swing set (not wooden, but it will do) for $99! I got Mylie a doll, which she didn't have. She adores dolls so when I realized I didn't get her one I felt bad. I was able to buy my mom jewelry. That is something I have always wanted to do but couldn't ever afford to. I got Bronson some super cute superman fleece pajamas, he is, after all, my superman! Fernando was supposed to buy the kids a bike. He hasn't. They have them on sale and it is taking everything in me to not buy them. I want them to have bikes, but they specifically asked their dad for them. I am trying to be strong. I kept buying stuff because I wanted everything to be even. Then this morning it hit me.Rather than going broke evening everything out why not return some things to even it out. They won't know. Really, they don't NEED any of it. So that's what I am doing. They've got everything on their list and then some. Oh, and don't worry, I will still be able to pay off the bill, just not today. It will have to wait until Thursday. I am SO excited about Christmas this year!

Pain in the...

2010-11-24T20:41:00.001-06:00

I am itching like a million mosquito's partook in a feast all over me. Why, you ask? Well from the Tylenol with Codeine. What's that for? My headaches. I have been having cervicogenic headaches from stress. My primary care doctor tried Tramadol, Dolgic Plus, Midrin, and Robaxin to help. None did. So he sent me to a neurologist. After a full neurology work up he increased my Zoloft (to help me to relax) and prescribed Xanaflex and told me to avoid caffeine. He also gave me a referral to physical therapy so I can get set up at home for traction. The increased dose of Zoloft seems to help a bit. It takes a while longer for me to loose it. The Xanaflex makes me comatose within 10 minutes. I guess that works. Can't feel your head throb when you're drooling on your pillow. When I am awake, totally different. My head pounds. The worse it hurts, the less patience have, the more tense I get, the worse it hurts. It's a vicious circle. I called my neuro guy to see if there was anything else I take to help. He's out of the office so his nurse told me to increase my dose of the Xanaflex, you know, the one that knocks me out. I told her the effect it has on me and her reply was "He SAID to take it at bedtime" with a tone that screamed you idiot! I asked what about the pain during the day. She just repeated that the doctor is out of town. I asked if it would be unethical for me to call my primary doctor for a Rx. Nope, no problem! Great, now we may be getting somewhere. So I call. The receptionist says based on my symptoms that I need to be seen. I told her I just had a full neuro work up less than a week ago and I work in Radiology, I don't have a tumor and am NOT getting a CT. She put me on hold and transferred me to a nurse. The nurse asked me about the other meds primary dr. prescribed. They contain caffeine. So he called in the Tylenol with codeine. I guess I'd rather itch than pound. Blech.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T17:49:00.002-06:00

This Thanksgiving will be Bronson's first one ever. It will be the first one the girls celebrate with out Fernando. It will be the first one I work on. I bought the goods to cook yesterday. Our menu consists of turkey breast, mashed baby reds, speckled butter beans, pumpkin casserole, rolls and for dessert : carrot cake. Not a big menu. I know. My family has really dwindled over the years. Growing up, we had huge family dinners. Grandmother's on both sides of the family, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, their families and sometimes friends all came to our house to celebrate. It was total chaos, I LOVED it! We had so much food. Always a turkey and a ham, my grandmothers dressing, gravy and burnt (nearly every year) green beans. There were at least 8 side items and 5-6 desserts to choose from. We ate around 1 p.m. but got together around 11 a.m. and hung out until 6 or so. All the ladies sat around talking and telling stories while the guys watched the games. I loved it. Then my uncle and his wife moved to Texas. After that my other uncle's wife passed away rather quickly from Cancer. A few years later my grandmother died. Then my other uncle moved to South Carolina. Last year, my favorite aunt died.Now it's just me, my babes, and my mom. I still cherish it. I'm helping make memories for my children. I just hate that our gatherings are so small. No cousins for them to run around and play with. Just us. We'll still eat until we're stuffed. We'll still be thankful, after all, we have each other.

It lead to you

2010-11-23T07:28:00.000-06:00

As I was sitting on my sofa holding my sweet, sweet boy I had an epiphany. All of this, everything I've been through, my entire life thus far brought me to him. I've always known that God has a plan for my life, but knowing and feeling it is quite different. It just washed over me, a deep appreciation. Any hardship, festivity, or regular day I've lived led me here. Holding this amazing boy. A boy I so foolishly thought I couldn't love. A boy whose deeply dimpled smile makes waking at 5 a.m. completely bearable. His laughter warms my heart. His happiness creates my happiness. I could snuggle with him forever. His musical coos wash away my worries. I love him. More than love. I have no words for it. I'm amazed that my heart can hold it all in.

Hate

2010-11-22T08:42:00.000-06:00

hate–verb (used with object) 1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

I was raised NOT to hate. I raise my children the same way. Hate is such an extreme word not to be used lightly. I guess I am a contradiction though because as hard as I try I cannot come up with another term for how I feel. My mother's live-in (nicest term) is a mean spirited, horrible man. He's jealous of me and my brother, always has been. I cannot wrap my brain around that one. He harasses her every week about her coming down to watch my children while I work. He cusses her and calls her names, especially when she's on the phone. The ENTIRE time she is here he calls and gives her hell. I'll call home to check on my sweet babes and she'll sound terrible. Usually she'll end up crying. She doesn't get a moments peace. He refuses to buy her soda's or meats. Today I had to give her a bag of sugar because he refused to buy more. He makes her turn in receipts if he does pay for something, but he acts all psycho before he gives in and buys it. Even her medications. I could go on all day. It sickens me. My eye is starting to twitch just thinking about it. He HAD cancer, about 15 years ago. He got it while he was serving time for beating and choking her in front of my grandmother. Why my mom waited on him to get out is beyond me. I digress, she took excellent care of him. She waited on him hand and foot. She worked, paid for everything, cleaned, cooked, ran him all over to his appointments. He was no easy patient. His nurses often disliked him. He' d cuss them and be mean. My mom always intervened and stood by his side. That was quite nauseating. Honestly, I prayed for Cancer to take him. I felt/feel he deserved to suffer and slowly die. He's a debt to society. He's blackness and evil. Instead, Cancer reared it's ugly head and took a dear, sweet, wonderful aunt of mine. Irony? He survived and thrived, it's hard to take out evil. He still often gets sick, and due to the location of the Cancer, lost all his teeth. Now he is much, much thinner so he no longer hits my mother. Good thing too, now that I am an adult I would call the cops. Actually, I have once before. Now he uses power ($$) and words to abuse and cause misery. I've done everything in my power to get her to leave. Now that Fernando is gone (they didn't see eye to eye) I've asked her to move in. Nope! The kids would get on her nerves too much ~ understandable. They are small, noisy, argumentative, and non stop wigglers. I've put her on the waiting list for income based apartments since she can no longer work. Meanwhile, while I wait I can't help but hate. I fantasize about telling him I feel about him. I don't because I was raised not to be disrespectful to my elders. So I am polite. It takes all I have in me to do so, but I am. It would be so satisfying to tell him I hate him. I pray for Cancer to come back and slowly make him suffer. When my mom called to tell me that he was in the E.R. possibly having a heart attack that I smiled. I want him out of her life, he doesn't deserve her. I won't ever get to say those words. I love my mother. She would never hear the end of it. Until she gets out I wait with baited breath, longing to release all the hate I have built up over the years. Does that make me just as evil? Is my hate justified? My hate is so powerful and big. I pray about it. Yet I also pray for him to leave this world. I don't like feeling this way, nor am I proud of it. Hate for him consumes me. Toxic. Always there. Bitter like bile. I swallow it up for my mother. I love her.

Money, money, money

2010-11-16T18:21:00.000-06:00

Funny thing about divorce, money becomes a big issue. Ever since he left and found out I hired an attorney he has questioned me about child support. How much? When is it going to start? Who is going to claim the kids on taxes? My questions to him...When are you going to help me out with your children? He feels like all I talk about is money.I feel the same towards him. I just freak out about Christmas. I have to be Santa and buy them things from me, which I am used to. He was unemployed for two years. It's just not fair that now I have to do it for three while he buys them one gift a piece and is SUPER DAD!!!! Plus, what he said he was going to get them (bikes) he is now saying he may not be able to get. How not? For the one's they are asking for we are talking about $140.00 tops. Meanwhile Santa is supposed to bring the new Nintendo DSI plus games and that Fisher-Price computer plus games. Those are just the big ticket items. They get 5 toys piece from Santa, plus 1 from me and one from each other. Our family tradition is to buy each child an ornament each year, I've still got to do that. I CAN do all these things. I WILL do them. It's just the point. He acts like he's doing me a favor. RAISE your kids! HELP! It's your responsibility!

Pets...

2010-11-15T06:25:00.000-06:00

Before I had my precious babes I loved pets. Dogs were my favorite, but I liked cats too. I've owned several dogs. Some of which were like children to me. That was BEFORE. Now, I couldn't care less about having a pet. Just one more mouth to feed, which to me means less funds to spend on my sweet babies. Talise, on the other hand, feels entirely different. That girl is like Snow White. Animals love her and she LOVES them. She is very protective of all animals and is gentle with them. Even wild animals will come up to her which displeases me. She has brought in lizards from outside to take care of in her room (with out my knowledge). She has had birds, fish, dogs, cats and hamsters. She's done pretty good at taking care of them, especially given her age. This weekend a rooster came up in the yard. She wants to keep it. He'll traipse around her. She will NOT listen to me when I tell her they are mean. I am waiting for him to come running to peck her eyes out. Our cats, which are tremendous, are afraid of the rooster. I don't like roosters. I hope he goes back where he came from.

Mylie

2010-11-12T05:39:00.000-06:00

She loves her baby.

Ah, you probably thought I meant THIS baby:

She loves him too!

Later he'll hate me for it

2010-11-11T08:32:00.000-06:00

But his rolls and cellulite is too cute!

Don't you wish you could pull off rolls like that? I do!

FIVE months...FIVE! Seriously?

2010-11-10T15:07:00.000-06:00

Where has the time gone? Bronson, at five months old you are a pure joy. You currently have your first cold and still you try to be happy. Although, you are NOT a fan of the bulb syringe, aka booger sucker. As soon as I bring out the saline drops you start getting riled up. You talk so much. You really want to be a part of what's going on. When you are fed up with what ever it is you are doing you give slight warning before you flip. You absolutely love your Jumperoo! You have massive thighs to show for it. You can bounce for hours. When you do get upset you utilize those crazy strong thighs to push yourself backwards. You almost knocked yourself out of your Bumbo seat,if not for those thighs. Thank goodness I had warned Granny about it earlier because she had you sitting on the sofa in it. You still wake happy everyday. It brightens my day. Your sisters adore you, although Mylie still gets quite jealous. You've tried peas. You liked them. Also, Granny gave you ice cream. You could not eat it fast enough. I can take you anywhere. We went out for Hibachi and behaved like an angel. Other guests even commented on how well behaved you were. You are rolling to your sides but then you stop. You cannot get yourself all the way over. You have lots of tonnage to try to roll after all. You are a total fatty and it is beyond adorable. You are a huge fan of being tickled. You are ticklish just about every where and will toss your head back with laughter.You still have big bright blue eyes and amazing dimples. When Talise sings I'm falling to Pieces to you you laugh. I'd like to know what is so funny about that, but to you it is. You are in 6-9 month clothes and size 3 diapers. We've had the hardest time finding a diaper that you cannot pee through. You have a little Houdini going on in your diaper. Right now we are on Fisher Price. They are super cute! You have monkey's are your bum! You are very alert. You are my sweet boy. My wonderful, amazing, sweet boy. I could not love you more. Five months, already. Wow!

Things I miss

2010-11-09T18:09:00.000-06:00

There are few things that I miss about life before children. It would be beyond amazing to sleep when I want to until I wake up on my own. BEYOND! Going to the restroom without an audience would also be nice. To really hear a song on the radio without interruptions. To read a paragraph only once and completely comprehend it. Watching movies, you can put in a dvd to watch, but with children in the room it is quite difficult to enjoy. Showering alone. The basics really. At the same time, tonight while I was showering with Bronson, seeing that fat little guy smiling at me makes it alright. Hearing my girls laugh at the dvd also warms my heart. Looking in the rear view mirror to see Mylie singing along makes me smile. Nothing really makes up for the potty business though. I mean, who really wants someone to watch them poop, besides sickos?

Growing...ugh!

2010-11-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

My babies are getting so big! I realize that all parents whine about this, but it just STINKS! Emma, formerly known as Talise, talks of boys, her booblets, or make-up non stop. It is quite scary. She's 10! What is it going to be like at 15? I shudder to think. Mylie has lost her ~~mind~~ bottle, is potty training and asking to go to school. She was THE baby just 5 short months ago. Speaking of 5 months, that's how old Bronson, aka taters, will be on Wednesday. I know he's still closer to newborn than toddler but still. Five months gone by, already. Where did they go? He is still quite amazing. If I could put him in my pocket and carry him with me everywhere I go I would. I am more in love with him than I have been with any man. His granny brags much on his listening skills. He grins when he should and puts forth a good bit of effort to comment back to you. The girls drive me mad. They bicker and fight and try to boss me around. Yet, when they hug each other or cuddle up on the love seat together I easily forget the craziness of the day. I'm sure eventually my sweet son will make me wanna bang my head on the table also. I still know I am blessed beyond measure. I'll take all the craziness and more as long as I can call these sweet, growing babes mine.

What I Love

2010-11-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

When any of my babes are feeling cuddly.

Holding Bronson until he falls asleep.

Listening to Mylie snore.

My mom.

The smell of freshly shampooed hair.

The crackle of burning wood.

The first bite of a dipped cone.

To be able to enjoy an entire cup of coffee while it's hot.

Making others smile.

Reading.

Kisses.

Breathing in the ones I love.

Feeling pretty.

Newborns.

My children's laughter.

First visitation

2010-11-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

Talise had been excited all week. Mylie was a little reluctant. I was SO worried that I had to fight back tears the whole way there. We met up at Ingles in the parking lot as I had to have him served also. That was close to my server. My server never showed( I later found out her phone was on the fritz) so I stopped a stranger! I explained the situation and he gladly signed my form and handed the papers to Fernando. What a relief! I kept assuring Mylie that she was going to have so much fun. She didn't want to get in the car at first. Once she got in, she told me to get in the drivers seat. I explained that I had to go home with granny and Bronson because I had to work the next day. She said OK. I again told her that they were going to their aunt's house with their daddy.Their aunt has a puppy and a kitty and she could hold the and play with them. That pleased her some. Once I got her buckled in and got in my car to go I cried a bit. It's so hard. I felt totally helpless. No control. I am a control freak, so that made me completely anxious. I called once on the way home. I called again first thing Saturday morning. By Saturday evening Talise called me begging to stay another night. Her aunt was willing to go buy her an outfit for school and Fernando agreed to bring her to school on Monday morning so I said sure. Since Mylie's been home she's talked about her aunts dog "Porky" non stop and continuously asks to go to aunt Melia's (Amelia). Talise talked a mile a minute about her weekend. I couldn't even process much of what she said. They had fun. They needed that. From what I hear their aunt had fun too. I know their daddy was happy to spend time with them. It was difficult but so worth it. Once I heard their stories told with a smile and excitement I knew it was the right decision.

Nightmares

2010-10-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

My sleep has been less than peaceful lately. Due to stress I grind my teeth and clench my jaw. Sometimes I wake myself from the sound of my teeth grinding. Often times I wake with a very sore face and killer headache. Usually if I dream I don't remember them. Last night is a different story. I remember. It was dreadful. Where I live there is a huge lack of shopping centers. A huge lack of everything really, well, besides farms. In my horrid dream I had found a new mall, it was the neatest thing ever. Not far from home either.I was stumped as to how I hadn't found it sooner. It had a special play place for kids, that also served food. We went in. Bronson could walk, and I had my brothers girls with me also. We sat down to eat and a group of guys came up and one started flirting with me. I was trying to brush him off and Talise was bugging me to go play. I told her to stay close and watch out for her siblings. While I was distracted they took off. I finally ditched the guy and looked up and couldn't find my babies. Talise and my oldest niece were playing, but the younger ones were no where to be found. I started calling out for them. They were nowhere. I recruited help from the older two. Talise was defiant and refused to help,just walking away. Katarina, my niece , found her sister. I never found them. I woke up with my heart racing and my usual headache. It was the worst feeling ever. I pray that never happens. I wouldn't ever let them play without me any way. Still I felt so much panic and sorrow. Not a good way to start the day.

Ugh

2010-10-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

I have been out of sorts lately. Fernando is trying very hard to be nice. Going out of his way to say nice things and be helpful as he can be. Wanting to see the kids, commenting on how cute Bronson is. He acts excited to talk to me. It hurts. It saddens me so. It's too late. That sucks. I cried the other day. He gets all sorts of help. It's just him. I have three kids. No one is helping us. That hurts. Everyone knows that I am responsible so no one offers. Talise was supposed to go shopping with her aunt which would have been a tremendous help as she has NO winter clothes. Fernando showed up that day so she didn't get to go. She still has no winter clothes. I cannot buy my kids winter clothes AND Christmas. I know things will work out, they always do. I'm just upset about it now. I have no family or close friends near by. My mom is sick and needs to rest. I called my boss to see about being off this weekend. He explained to me that I need to have a backup baby sitter. A back up for 2 16 hour shifts. ALL WEEKEND! What friends I do have, have families. I have my mom, that's it. He explained that other employees have kids and make other arrangements. I have no other arrangements TO make. It sucks! I will NOT just dump my precious babes on whoever. I ended up calling my mom crying so she would still come and just wear a mask. Later that evening my boss called back and offered me Saturday off. I accepted and thanked him.I hate to be a burden. I explained my situation to him. He has no kids, he doesn't seem to understand. Plus, he has parents alive and siblings. I have one brother that lives several states away. Maybe it's just hormones, or a pity party, but I really dislike feeling this way.

My Idea, take two!

2010-10-26T19:49:00.000-05:00

What to do, what to do?

2010-10-25T21:11:00.000-05:00

I just don't understand my daughter. She is SO angry all the time. She cries at the drop of a hat. She picks at and is abusive towards her sister.I don't know how to fix it. Last night she had a crying fit because she was made to shower two days in a row. Hysterical ugly sobs. Unbelievable! Today when she got home from school she got upset because Mylie had gotten into her lip sticks. Completely understandable. She was screaming, SCREAMING and throwing things. Then she called me stupid. I stood to speak to her and she started to run away, so I grabbed her shirt. She fought against me and I think I may have torn her bra. All I was trying to do was tell her to go to her room, take some deep breaths and calm down. That's it. Later this evening I had the girls go lay together in Talise's bed. Next thing I know Mylie is running in the living room with a bloody mouth and Talise is following close behind. I asked Mylie what happened and Talise started to speak. I told her I wanted to hear from Mylie what happened. Mylie told me that Talise balled up her fist and hit her in the mouth. Talise screamed out that Mylie was lying. Mylie showed me exactly what happened and after I spoke with Talise about lying she fessed up. She did punch her sister in the mouth. I made her go to bed. She flipped out. Crying loud enough that I could hear her with two doors closed and the television on. I warned her about it, yet she kept it up for over an hour before finally calming down. I am so fed up with all of this. I have tried spanking ~ useless. I tried time out ~~ a little better, but not thrilled with it. I've taken things away, doesn't bother her. I've tried rewarding her good behavior, didn't help. I am at a loss.I'm going to talk to her counselor about it this week. I may send her to a psychiatrist, see if they can help. I don't want her to be miserable all the time. I don't want to have to worry about Mylie getting hurt and I don't want to be made miserable. It has to get better.

Shopping with three kids

2010-10-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

I mentioned to a cashier earlier today while out with my smallest two, that shopping is easier with my oldest in tow. She is a huge help. Well. Not so much the case tonight. We were in the only shopping Mart in Roanoke. I was holding a very sweet, cuddly, sleepy Bronson while Talise pushed the cart with Mylie riding in the back. We got a walker for my sweet fella and put it under the cart. Mylie kept standing up which blocked Talise's view so Talise was being a little jerky in her steering. I walked in front of the cart to prevent any bystanders from being plowed down. I currently suffer from very sore heels. As we are making our way to the front The stinking walker keeps getting knocked to the side, or knocks things off of shelves. Talise is doing her best to manage the walker and cart. Then I hear screaming. The loud, shrill, scared scream. I turn in time to see Mylie's feet almost in the air. She is heading face first to the ground. The items she was holding went flying out of her hands out in front of her. Thank goodness her foot caught on the front of the cart and that stinking walker was sticking out of the front which softened the blow. She was able to catch her fall. She did not hit her head. She has a pretty decent bruise/scrape on her foot that was immediately purple and swollen. She was terrified. She was clinging to me, almost crawling up me. I had to hand Bronson off to Talise and hold Mylie. She cried and cried. Once I finally calmed her a bit we checked out and got home. She talked of her fall the entire drive home. We had to call her daddy and her granny so she could tell them about her boo boo. I am so grateful she is fine. The scene keeps replaying in my head though. Feeling helpless. Seeing my baby and not being able to reach out to stop her. My arms were full. I could see but not prevent. That sucked.

I had an idea

2010-10-20T15:49:00.000-05:00

I am going to do it again when I get his costume.

What we do

2010-10-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

We play. It's what we do.

We chill with a good book. We hang out.We play.

We greet our friends with a smile. We play.

We have fun. We like to play.

Incredible Will of a two year old alternately titled Battle of the Bottle

2010-10-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

Mylie was a boobie baby. Really she was more like a boobie Nazi. She would demand o nurse and completely flip out if told no. She nursed for 25 1/2 months. I had to break her of it cold turkey. I am all for nursing, but I was in my third trimester with Bronson and was quite tired of having her on me ALL THE TIME! She then became attached to her bottle. I thought nothing of it because she drinks just fine from a cup be it sippy or not. She has been extremely jealous since Bronson joined our family so if a bottle pleased her then I'd allow it. She has since become a bottle beast. She prefers a certain one and gets very insistent about when she wants it. I decided last night that enough was enough and no more bottles. She is, after all, 2 1/2 years old. She was less than pleased to be nice about what went down. To be honest, I was waiting for her head to spin. I was seriously concerned. She raged on for about thirty minutes, then slowly started to wind down as she was exhausted. She'd get a few minutes in of rest and release the beast again. I was strong though. I braved it out and eventually she passed out. I suffered slight injuries trying to block head butts and such though. It was fine though, I had won. Or so I thought...

Worth it

2010-10-18T16:05:00.000-05:00

This weekend was so incredibly busy. I take that back. Saturday was great. Sunday was O.M.Goodness! Their are no other words for it. It is really nice that I enjoy the people I work with, otherwise I may have cried. Sitting here, outside, listening to my girls play, hearing the cat purr, watching Bronson as he lays on a blanket staring as the clouds float by makes it all worth it. This is wonderful. Times like now make up for any craziness life tosses at me. The air outside is so fresh. Pumpkins sit on our front steps and the ground is scattered lightly with leaves. This is the only time of year that I enjoy being outside. Bronson kicks his chubby little feet in delight while blowing raspberries in the cool breeze. It is lovely. Peaceful. Times like these is what I hope they remember as they grow.

Contradiction

2010-10-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

I have always said that I would not put any of my children in clothes with ears.

I couldn't resist. He is just too much. See those dimples? Irresistible.

Baby Quest and Beyond

This little bit

Overcome

*bangs head on wall*

Happy Holidays, err...

Don't Know What's Come Over Me

The Holidays

Haunted

The proposal

Exhausted and elated

Am I wrong

Assumptions

Insecurities Suck!

My birthday

Lack of Kahuna's vs Really big Kahuna's

A nice surprise

I'm beginning to understand hatred

Some things never change

Myths or Lies?

Brats

1st Hair Cut (lots of pictures)

So much to do

Just when u think it cant get worse

Party details

Milestone

Me? Too nice?

ugh..

Again!

Dramatics

Dating

Bangs head on the wall

Embarassment

Just wicked

My fella

At a loss

I want to be nice...

Leaps and Bounds

Randomness...if that's even a word

Drama...it's getting real old

Hoarders

Having Fun

Birthday Suit

Looking forward

Q&A

A New Day

Fill in the Blank

A New Day

Just Blessed

Blah

Redneck Ignorance

Despise, disgust, and worry

Memory Lane

Growing

Sometimes it just sucks

SO happy

Shots x 2

Faking it

Winter Fun

First Sink Bath

So in love

True Colors

Talise's New Room

Chaperone

Two posts in one

End of this year

Santa came! Santa came!

Merry Christmas!

Excitement

Santa Baby

Six months

Putting the Smack Down

Christmas

Ramblings

Dear Baby Teeth,

This face

Holidays

Pain in the...

Thanksgiving

It lead to you

Hate

bangs head on wall